Page 47 of Due North
“Oh my God,” I whispered, my eyes darting around him, “I see the light. You are the light.”
His strong hands lifted me onto his lap, and he kissed me, his tongue teasing my lips until I parted them so he could sweep inside and love me there too. When he broke the kiss, he leaned his forehead against mine. “I want to be surrounded by your light, Cece. It’s the only time I feel whole.”
I stood, taking his hand and pulling him off the couch towards the kitchen, but he held up on my hand. “We can’t go in my room. Poppy’s sleeping.”
I turned and caressed his face, my smile soft when I answered. “Poppy won’t hear us. It’s fine.”
He shook his head, his hand sliding behind my neck to tug me closer. “I want this to be special, not a hurried romp in the dark. Trust me?” he asked, and I nodded when he dropped my hand and pointed to the couch. “I’ll be right back.”
He darted into the bedroom, and I walked to the couch while I wondered what he was doing. It hit me then that there would never be spontaneity in life ever again. That wasn’t fair to Caleb, even if he did love Poppy like his own, right? He was young and free, and he deserved someone who could give him all their attention when they were together. Someone he could take to his bedroom and make love to all night without worrying about a toddler who might wake up. Someone who doesn’t have a toddler who controls every moment of her life in a way that leaves little room for someone else. I had become that woman when I wasn’t ready for it. I couldn’t imagine how he would eventually come to feel about it. Sure, he was caught up in the love and lust right now, but how long would that last when times were hard?
God, he loves me.
I sat back against the couch as a puff of air escaped my lips. He loves me. All these days, months, and years of avoiding the truth were days wasted. Those were days we could have shared and savored the spontaneity while we had it. Maybe then, when Poppy came into our lives, we’d had our time alone together before being thrown into parenthood. I groaned and leaned forward, putting my head in my hands. I was a parent. He was not. I had to remember that before Poppy got hurt.
He came back into the room and tossed several silver packets down on the coffee table. Not one. Several. When I looked up, he was straightening out a fluffy blanket on the floor in front of the potbelly stove before he arranged pillows there too.
He stood and took my hand without a word. “Caleb, I—”
He put his finger to my lips. “Shh,” he whispered, lowering his head for a kiss. “Do not tell me that I deserve more than a woman like you. Do not.”
“How did you know?” I asked, following him to the blanket and lowering myself to it.
He turned me, pulling my legs across his lap and rubbing my thighs. “Because I know you, baby. You’re a single mom now, and nothing is free or easy anymore. Your eyes change every time that hits you. Every decision you make has a price, whether you pay it or Poppy does.”
“Or you pay it,” I whispered, lifting my gaze to meet his. “You shouldn’t have to pay it.”
“Do I look like I’m suffering?” The shake of my head was my only answer. “That’s because I’m not. I have everything I love in these four walls. I’d pay any price to keep it that way. Making love to you here on the floor in front of the warm fire is in no way less than because our baby is sleeping peacefully and happily in her bed. Do you understand me, Cece?”
“Our baby?” I asked, holding his hands against my thighs to keep him from distracting me with his touch. “You don’t have to take responsibility for her, Caleb. That’s not required to be with me.”
“Oh, she absolutely is our baby. I do have to accept responsibility for her if I want to be with you,” he said fiercely. “You should have it no other way.”
He was trembling, and I squeezed his hands, grabbing hold of his wrists until he made eye contact with me. “I accept that you love her, but love and responsibility are two different things.”
“Not in my world,” he whispered, leaning down to steal another kiss from my lips. “In my world, when I love someone, then it’s also my responsibility to make sure they’re well cared for and safe. I failed in that job once.”
I put my finger to his lips this time. “Stop. You didn’t. You did everything you could do with a deck stacked against you.”
His nod was surprising, and my eyes widened while I waited for him to speak. “I’m starting to see that’s true. Being forced to face that over the last few months had helped me see that I did everything I could do when I had no idea what I was doing. With you and Poppy, I have a chance to get it right now that I know what I’m doing.”
“We’re your second chance,” I said, running a finger down his cheek.
“No, you’re my due north.” He scooted closer until there was hardly a whisper of space between us. “This whole time, during all the pain and all the struggles, I was always pointed towards you. Ash told me to find my direction, and you are the person that steadies my compass.”
I brought his lips to mine and kissed him then. His hands slid into my curls, and he anchored me there as his tongue pushed back against mine until he had control again. “Cece,” he moaned against my lips when he needed air. “I want to drown in your white light forever.”
He dropped his hands to my shirt and unbuttoned the first button, his gaze holding mine as though he was asking permission for something I wanted more than air. Rather than answer him, I popped the first snap on his shirt, waiting while he undid the second button on mine. His lips attacked mine, and in a flurry of hands, our shirts were gone. The cool air chilled my skin, and a shiver ran through me, but not from the cold. It was the idea that I had found my due north too. I ran my hands across his chest, tangling my fingers in his hair. His skin glowed with a light of peace that had been missing for too long.
“Caleb,” I sighed, my voice ragged now that I could touch him. “I’ve dreamed about touching you for so many years.”
“I know,” he promised, holding my hands against his chest. “I’ve dreamed about you touching me for the same number of years. More than that, I’ve dreamed about this moment.”
He reached behind me and released the clasp of my bra. The straps fell from around my shoulders, and I let them slide down my arms until I was as bare as he was. “Cece,” he moaned, laying me back until my head touched the pillows. “I want to touch you.”
I took his hand and held it to my chest, his inhaled breath filling me to overflowing. He dipped his head, his lips captured my nipple, and I arched under him, my moan filling the room. He kissed his way across my chest, his fingers working at the button of my jeans while his tongue worked my nipple into a tight peak. I grabbed his arm to ground myself, the pleasure he offered foreign to my body after so many years alone.
“Caleb, stop,” I said sharply enough that he lifted his head, “you’re shaking.”
