Page 81 of In For a Penny
Oliver laughs bitterly once. “It’s fine? It’s fine. She gets date-raped, but ‘it’s fine’?”
“Shewhat?” Josh yells. His eyes widen, and his jaw drops.
“You hadno right, Oliver. You had no right to call him here. You have no right to do anything. This ismyproblem. Mine to decide what I want to do—and I want to move on!” I yell.
He runs both his hands through his hair, gritting his teeth. “We need to report this. It’s what you’resupposedto do when something like this happens.”
I sigh. Of course I’ve thought about this—I’m not an idiot. I always thought that if anything like this ever happened to me, I would run straight to the authorities. I never understood those women who stayed quiet. I couldn’t fathom how someone could just let this happen to them and not try to get revenge.
But man, do I understand now.
There is literally nothing I want to do less than to press charges, to start a whole process, to have to talk about this for weeks on end to a bunch of strangers, to have to see him, just for it to end in nothing.
“Listen,” I sigh. “I know it’s hard for you to understand, but I don’t want to have to revisit this. I admire all the women who are able to come forward when something like this happens to them, but I just don’t have it in me. I can’t,” I start sobbing. “I don’t want to deal with this anymore, guys. I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to speak to him. I don’t want anything to do with him. And you fighting with him definitely falls under those categories, because it means I have to worry about you, too.” I wipe my eyes with the heels of my hands. “I feel like the whole process would just kill me.Please, just let this go,” I beg. Oliver lightly bangs his forehead on the door frame a few times, his expression sad.
Oliver pushes off the frame and looks at the floor, quiet. I stare up into Josh’s face as he looks back and forth between us.
“Penny…”
“It’s fine,” I say. “Please, please, please.Pleaselet’s not add any more drama to the situation by adding violence to the mix.”
“But he…he said all these things in our group chat the day after…and he… It’s not okay,” Oliver says.
“Wait, hold on,” Josh says, still holding the pizza. “No. Don’t listen to her. Let’s go. This isn’t right.” He hands me the pizza and starts to pull Oliver by his jacket. “Come on. Let’s go.”
“I swear to God, if you guys go and say something, I will tell everyone that you’re making it up.” I glare at them both. This is not helping. “You don’t understand. Iaskedfor it. I felt like I had no choice because I was scared he would hurt me more, but I actually ended upaskingfor it.”
“But you were coerced. You just said so yourself. This isn’t right,” Oliver says.
“I know it’s not, but I never have to see him again. And he knows what he did. But you don’t have to beat him up. You can threaten him if you like.” I smile for the first time in three days.
“I’m about to lose my mind. Can you please tell me exactly what happened? Because I’m imagining the worst here.” Josh looks at me and then to Oliver, expecting answers. I can’t tell him. I don’t want him to know details. I don’t want him to have that image of me.
“Josh…” I shake my head.
“Listen,” Oliver interrupts, “I’m gonna take a walk around the block and come back. I need to cool down.”
“Oliver, don’t!” I shove the pizza box into Josh’s arms again and hold on to Oliver’s jacket.
“I promise I won’t do anything, Penny. I just need to go and clear my head. Take a breather.” He opens the door and starts to leave but stops in the middle of the doorway to look at Josh. “Make sure she eats. She hasn’t eaten in three days.” And with that, he walks away.
He hasn’t said anything yet,and I appreciate it. I don’t need him pushing, and he knows it. Josh hands me another slice of pepperoni, but I shake my head, suppressing a gag.
“You need to eat. You’ve only had one slice,” he says disapprovingly.
I shake my head again, pushing his hand away. “I’m fine,” I assure him. “This is the first time I’ve eaten in a while. It’s plenty of food for me.”
To be honest, I’m still a little hungry, but the urge to purge is just too strong right now, and I don’t know if I have it in me to resist temptation.
We’re on the couch, watching Netflix, and I’m exhausted. Beat. Drained. I think it’s the crying. I think the crying tires you out more than anything. I pull the blanket that is folded over the arm of the couch and wrap myself up in it, leaning into Josh. He lays his head to rest over mine.
I breathe him in, and a wave a regret hits me hard in the chest, knocking the wind out of me.
I messed it up. I messed everything up. I should’ve just asked him out. I should have just grown a pair and done it. But I didn’t, and now…and now I don’t know.
But now it’s too late, because if I wasn’t a total mess before, I definitely am now. I’m not good for anyone.
Everything hurts.
Ow.
I inhale deeply, breathing him in again, closing my eyes and letting him comfort me with his silence. In a moment of weakness, I let myself fall asleep in his arms, imagining things had gone a different way.
