Page 79 of In For a Penny
Finally, he walks in and quietly shuts the door behind him. “You’re scaring me. What happened?”
I shrug. “Nothing. I just need to take a shower is all.”
It takes a Herculean effort to maintain my face as expressionless, to keep myself from breaking down. He knows me so well by now that I don’t know how much longer I can hide it, though. I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to talk about it.
“I’m just feeling a little out of sorts.”
“A little out of sorts,” he repeats quietly. “You call thisa littleout of sorts? I’ve never seen you like this.”
I’ve never felt like this.
“You haven’t known me very long.” I shrug.
We’re standing in my foyer. I haven’t really invited him into the apartment, but he’s made no effort to come in either. He’s still doing the mental math, studying me, thinking over the events of the past several days.
“How did you get into the building without me buzzing you up?” I ask accusingly.
“Your building’s gate is broken. Anyone can come in. You should call someone to fix that. Someone might end up hurt.”
I snort. Too late. Oh yeah, someone did end up hurt.
“When was the last time you ate?”
I shrug. “Maybe Friday? Not really hungry.”
I know what he’s thinking. I normally need to be fed every three hours, and I hadn’t eaten in three days? To be honest, I’m a little terrified of eating right now. I feel like I’m already spiraling, and I definitely don’t want to add a relapse to this whole situation.
Because I am desperately craving it. I want the control back. Ineedit. I want to call Domino’s and order two pizzas with everything on it, some Coke and cookies, devour it all in under ten minutes, and purge. Cleanse.
I sigh and start walking toward the living room as soon as I realize that Oliver has no plans of leaving my apartment any time soon. I need to sit down. I feel like I’m about to pass out. I sit on my leather couch, crossing my legs, and stare up at him.
“Is this all because of your ex?” he asks, confused. Oliver runs a hand through his hair. “I don’t get it. I thought you had an angry reaction to his new relationship, not a depressive one. What happened between Friday night and now?” He looks me over, and I can see the exact moment when the realization hits him. It could have been the mention of Friday night or my completely devastated body language. More than anything, though, I imagine it was the bite mark on my thigh peeking out from under my PJ shorts that caught his eye.
His eyes flash, and he kneels in front of me.
“What the fuck isthat?” he asks angrily. “What is that, Penny?”
And the dam bursts.
I try to keep it in, but I can’t stop the tears from flowing once he points it out. I hang my head in my hands and feel my body shaking, convulsing.
“I don’t know, I don’t know.” I shake my head from side to side. I do know, and he knows I know, and he knows, too.
I feel his arms around me, pressing me into his chest. “What happened?” he asks over and over again. It gets harder and harder to breathe. I’m choking back sobs.
Unclean, unclean, unclean.
I push Oliver off me, jump off the couch and run into the bathroom, locking myself in. I turn the shower on and proceed to cry under the hot water until my breathing calms and my heart rate slows.
I stand in front ofthe foggy bathroom mirror, examining myself. The bruises have started to fade, but there is still some yellowing around my wrists. The scratch marks have begun to heal, and though I am sore and exhausted, at this point I think it’s more from the emotional turmoil and starvation and less about the actual physical trauma my body went through.
That bite mark, though. It hasn’t faded. It hasn’t budged. It has actually darkened to purple, almost black. A constant reminder of what happened.
And the pain.
God, the pain.
I take a deep breath and curse under my breath. Fuck. No towel. All my towels are wet and in the hamper from the sheer quantity of showers I’ve taken since Saturday morning. I can’t walk out naked and steal one of Allie’s because Oliver is out there. And though he’s seen me naked on different occasions, this is not something I want him to witness.
