Page 27 of In For a Penny
The next couple of weeksstart blending into one another in a routine ofschool, library, pub, school, library, pub.
I’ve been very responsible about schoolwork despite still not being sure that I made the right decision to pursue this career path. I figure I’m here now, so I may as well make the best of it.
Our Strategic Management final project is starting to take shape, and we’re barely even halfway through the term, which is fantastic. Josh has proven to be a great partner. We’ve divided the assignment and then easily blended it together. Nothing in our paper shows that it was written by two different people. In the short time that we’ve known each other, I feel like Josh and I have become best friends, and it’slovely—most of the time.
Since game night, Josh has become even more attentive and present in my life, but in doing so, he’s developed a talent for breaking down my walls, making me feel like water, spilling out in front of him.
I’ve never felt more vulnerable.
It sounds horrible, but the worst part about him being so connected and in tune with what I’m feeling is how supportive and understanding he is. Sometimes, the support and comfort he provides is overwhelming. I’m never sure how to react, and it makes me nervous and anxious, makes it hard for me to breathe—like an elephant is sitting on my chest. His optimism is overpowering and a bit overwhelming. Am I so messed up that I can’t appreciate when someone is so positive and supportive?
He hasn’t brought up what we discussed that night in my apartment after game night, which I am extremely thankful for. He hasn’t, for one second, treated me differently since finding out. Sometimes, after someone finds out, they start to overcompensate or pay more attention to what you’re eating, how much you’re eating, and how often. It’s annoying.
But Josh isn’t annoying. Joshgets it.
Oliver and Jane have also become a massive part of my life. I spend most days with the three of them. Oliver continues to make inappropriate jokes about us hooking up, but I just smile and ignore them. I do have to admit that the harmless attention is flattering, and his attempts are humorous, but I can’t ever let anyone know that. His ego is big enough as it is.
Last week, when we all met up at the pub, he showed up with a daisy for me. When I asked him what the occasion was, he replied, “I thought maybe I would switch up my strategy from flirty to romantic. Maybe that will get me somewhere with you?”
I laughed at him, taking the flower from his hand and brushing his advance off by changing the subject. In all honesty, it’s not like I haven’t considered hooking up with him. As I said, he isn’t insanely attractive, but every day I notice his body more and more, wondering what it would feel like under my hands, and he really could be charming if he wanted to.
The problem is that, for all his come-ons, Oliver has turned into a confidant and a pretty big part of my life. Josh tries to turn my bad days into good ones, but Oliver seems to relish my cynical and more honest ones. He seems to get my dark humor better than anyone and never pushes me into seeing the silver lining of any situation, which I highly appreciate on darker days. He is an excellent listener and an even better conversationalist. He doesn’t just accept what I consider to be my realism (some would call it cynicism), but he embraces and shares it, too. I don’t want to risk ruining this new friendship.
Also, his hook-up history just since meeting him reads more like a roster than anything else. Would I really be okay with sleeping with someone whose hobby is to add more women of as many backgrounds as possible to his list? I mean, it’s his business, but when you sleep with someone, you end up sleeping with everyone else the other person has, right? At least that’s what people say, and I’m not sure I want to risk that. I need a rebound, for sure, but a good one.
Michael had proven to be a bust—he has a girlfriend back home and is therefore crossed off my list as a potential rebound. With regards to the other guys in my program, they are sadly not as inspiring, if you know what I mean. I need to expand my horizons if I really want to start putting myself out there. Since my arrival, I’ve downloaded a few dating apps but am too much of a coward to go on any dates, fearing with my luck that one of them would end up being a serial killer and I’d wash up dead in the Thames after a week.
Although my dating life is a bit stunted at the moment, I’ve been trying to open myself up to new experiences and people. Though I’ve remained a bit careful and guarded—a hard habit to break—I do notice myself opening up and exploring other parts of myself that I usually wouldn’t have in my old environment. I can see how I have evolved in every aspect of life, from small things like my fashion sense, to exploring new and exciting experiences and opportunities. I’ve always craved independence and felt a hunger to be able to discover who I truly am, and I’ve finally been given the opportunity to do so in a new and safe environment, free from the constraints of my old life.
I think moving to London may have saved my sanity.
Surrounding myself with people like Jane, Allie, Josh—and even Oliver!—has been an unexpected wake-up call. I’m happy to have been able to find and develop friendships with intelligent people who might not share the same opinions as me all the time but can respect my own and have thoughtful discussions. I haven’t felt the need to filter what I say or do once. Even my sense of style has changed to reflect who I am inside. It sounds trite, I know, but I’ve never felt less afraid to be myself, and it showed.
My social life has consisted chiefly of pub nights after school with my friends, which means I have to admit that alcohol has become a much more significant part of my life than expected, and I’m not truly sure I feel great about it. Pub nights are so frequent that I’ve had to switch from drinking beer to harder spirits, like vodka. The bloating and extra calories are just not worth it.
Despite the significant increase in alcohol consumption, I have actually managed to quit smoking. Do I feel like crawling out of my skin every time someone with a cigarette walks by me or I get tipsy? Um, yeah. Fucking definitely. But I’ve also stopped feeling like I’m dying every time I have to climb two flights of stairs at the DLR station every damn day.
Though I am having a blast, the food is killing me. Pub food is a nightmare, and groceries are expensive, and I have no time to cook. I’m living offPret-a-Mangersalads and sandwiches and the occasionalWagamamachicken curry. I am dying for a proper home-cooked meal.
My saving grace is Saturday afternoons when Allie works at a Korean barbecue food stall in Notting Hill Gate and hooks me up with literally the best banh mi I’ve ever tried. It’s not a homecooked meal, but man, is it good. I don’t know what the hell is in that marinade, but the pork in those sandwiches is the best thing I have ever tasted. That little place in Chelsea Market that used to be my favorite has nothing on this.
When I’m not hitting up Allie for a free lunch at her side hustle, my Saturdays and Sundays consist of walking around Covent Garden and Carnaby Street. When I’m homesick or sad, I head out to Bond street to window shop or go into Harrod’s shoe department and try on dozens of shoes I will never be able to afford.
Manolo Blahnik + Penny Márquez 4Eva
Minus the food, London has been very good to me. Very good, indeed.
It’s been great, but something has been missing from this whole experience. When I made the decision to come to grad school in London, the thing I was most excited about was the idea that I would be able to travel all across Europe. It turns out, however, that I am much more broke than I thought I was. Yes, it’s true—youcantravel through Europe on a very tight budget. I read several articles and blog posts on how to do it and where to stay, but do you want to know the truth? Hostels are gross and filled with pickpockets. Also, cheap flights? Cheap for a reason. Uncomfortable, unsafe, and filled with hidden fees. Trains? Incredibly expensive. My budget? Much smaller than I projected (thanks, inflation). I haven’t been able to go anywhere outside the M25, the motorway encircling Greater London. Despite the fact that London is one of the largest cities in the world, I’m starting to feel super claustrophobic.
Josh seems to share a similar frustration because he has come up with a plan for all of us to visit Salisbury and Stonehenge. Total cost: seventy-two pounds (including train). When he presented the opportunity to leave the city to us, I jumped right on it. I didn’t care what the destination was. It could have been to the circus in the middle of fucking nowhere for all I cared, and I still would have been riding shotgun! I was ready to go and go anywhere, which is why I currently find myself alone in Waterloo station, looking around for anyone from my program, with my ticket in hand.
“Hey,” I hear a voice behind me and jump. Josh stands in front of me wearing his uniform of jeans and a t-shirt with disheveled, just-showered hair. His smile is broad and welcoming, his green eyes gleaming with excitement. I get a weird feeling in my stomach at his practically glowing smile. I’m not sure whether that has anything to do with how much time he’s currently been spending with Eloise—which I’ve noticed is a lot more than usual—or whether it’s because we’ve all become much more comfortable around each other.
Regardless, I think I’m just as happy to see him as he is me. Despite the alarming amount of positivity he provides in my day-to-day, he has been like a lighthouse while I navigate this new stage in my life.
“I’m excited to go to Stonehenge!” I jump in place a few times like an excited toddler. “Where is everyone? Doesn’t the train leave in, like, ten minutes?” I stand on my tiptoes, looking around the station for any familiar faces.
“Um, actually,” he says, scratching the back of his head, grimacing a little. “Pretty much everyone else canceled.”
