Page 92 of In For a Penny
I catch a lookat myself in the mirror and see the bite mark bruise on the inside of my thigh. Again. Still there. Still black-purple. Still a constant reminder of that fucking night. And I start to panic.
It’s like a bucket of cold water falls over my head.
What the hell am I even thinking? I’m not ready for any of this. I’m not ready to be anyone’s anything right now! I’m a mess. Now that I really think about it, having someone that close to me this soon after it happened is unthinkable. There’s no way.
I have to start rebuilding myself first, and it’s something I’m going to have to doon my own. I know that Josh will take care of me and will want to make sure I’m okay and always safe, but how is that supposed to make me stronger or help me get over this hole I feel I’ve dug myself and been dug into?
And how is that fair to him? To be with someone who didn’t used to be broken but now totally feels like she is. Like Allie said, I’m a walking dumpster fire. No one deserves that—especially not him. Not Josh. He deserves to be with someone as good and kind as he is, who won’t ever take advantage of his good heart.
The steam from the shower fills the bathroom and fogs the mirror, giving me my cue that it’s time for me to get in, which I do. But I don’t shave my legs, and I don’t exfoliate. I let the hot water fall on my back for a long time, hoping it helps relax my suddenly tight muscles.
Once I’m out of the shower and I realize it’s time to go, I dress well enough so that my friends don’t think I’m depressed, but not too well that I’m trying to impress a certain someone. I decide to take an Uber to Jane’s birthday because fuck the tube tonight. I deserve a taxi for once, even if it is well over sixty pounds and way out of my budget.
When I get to Jane’s, I’m so strung up and tense I feel like I’m about two seconds from getting a back spasm. The place is packed, as I would expect it to be. Jane is such a charismatic and friendly person. I’m not shocked by the number of people that surround and love her.
“Babe!” she yells from across the apartment. Yup, there it is, that look of pity. God, when will they stop doing that?
“Oh my God, happy birthday!” I congratulate and hug her with as much energy and force as I can muster, ignoring The Look.
Let’s do this, Penny.
She grabs me by the elbow and pulls me into a corner. “I want to talk to you,” she slurs. Definitely drunk already. “I love you so much, you know? I’m so glad you’re here and that I met you and we get to spend this year together.” Her breath smells like she’s had one too many negronis. “I hope you plan on staying in London after graduation as well.”
I feel a pang of guilt when she says this. She doesn’t know that, until yesterday, I was fully planning on bailing on school, moving back home, and starting from scratch in New York. Not that she would have taken it personally like Josh seemed to take it, I don’t think.
“I’m so glad I met you, too. And I think London is the place for me,” I say genuinely. Jane is incredible and so much fun, definitely a part of why I decided to stay. “Have you seen Josh?” I ask her as I crane my neck, looking around the apartment for him in every direction. I need to get this sorted. I need to apologize, and we need to clarify what’s in the notebook. After much thought, I’ve decided to pretend like I don’t like him and let him down easy. I even have a whole speech prepared:Josh, I appreciate the beautiful words in the notebook you gifted me, but I need you to know that, despite me caring about you deeply, I do not reciprocate the romantic feelings you have expressed to me here on these sheets of paper. Yeah, it’s going to be amazing to have this conversation with him. Super looking forward to it. Not. But it just has to be done. “I really need to talk to him.”
“Oh!” she says excitedly, clapping her hands. “He’s overthere, withEloise.” She points toward a corner of the apartment with a slender and perfectly manicured finger, her smile like the Cheshire cat’s, wide and wicked.
Oh, no.
I whip my head around and see them in a corner, Eloise’s back to the wall and Josh leaning over her, brushing her hair off her face. Her eyes are on his lips, and his are on her bright-red smirk.
Oh my God, they’re gonna kiss.
But I guess I’ve said it aloud, because I vaguely hear Jane say, “I know, right? So happy for them. They’ve been skating around this thing forever. I wonder what happened to make him finally do it.”
No, no, no. Look away, Penny. Look away.
But I can’t.
And then I see it. And I wish I hadn’t. Because, Jesus, I’ve never felt anything like this.
They’re suddenly kissing, and her hands are linked behind his neck, and his finger is hooked into the loop of her jeans while his other arm is wrapped around her waist.
I have to actually look down to check that I’m not bleeding out, because it feels like someone ripped out my heart from my chest and left me to die. I can’t breathe. I feel gutted and raw.
Jane clears her throat, and the fog lifts slightly. “Whoops, sorry, what did you say?” I ask, but my voice sounds distant even to my own ears.
“I asked whether you were okay.” She shakes my shoulder to get me to look at her.
“I’m fine, Jane.” I try to at least remain expressionless, even though I’m about two seconds from wailing and running out of this apartment, jumping in a cab, slipping into my jammies, and calling my best friend, Amir from Domino’s, to bring me my usual pizza, cookies, and soda. “Happy birthday,” I say.
She frowns and shakes her head. “Darling, you’ve said that already.”
I force a smile. “I know, doll. Just restating the important things tonight.” I take a sharp, deep breath. “Listen, I think I’m going to go look for Oliver, given that Josh seems to be busy at the moment. You seen him?”
“Bedroom.” I lift my eyebrow at her.I’m not going in there, buddy.But she gets what I mean and rolls her eyes at me, “Not likethat. He was on the phone with someone.”
