Page 90 of In For a Penny
So, I’ve decided to let go of you, Penny. I’m done. For my sake.
Please remember, though…no matter how tough, sad, shitty, depressing, or painful life gets, I will always be there for you. Friend zone or End zone—though I would prefer to be out of the Friend zone and into your heart.
You will always have a friend in me.
Your friend,
Josh Fox
My heart feels like it’s breaking, tearing. I had noticed him pulling back a bit after that, but I guess I was too wrapped up in Oliver to notice too much—which I guess, subconsciously, is exactly what I was trying to do. I think I’ve known for a while that I have strong feelings for Josh and have just been doing everything possible not to.
I start crying, tears falling on the pages, ink streaking on the paper.
“Fuck!” I say, dabbing my tears with the sleeve of my sweater, trying to dry Josh’s words.
I think I may love him.
God, I don’t know.
I’ve only ever loved one other person, and it never felt like this. Austin never felt like a best friend or confidant. He felt more like a dramatic lover. Ugh, I hate that word, but I guess that’s how it felt. I was never one hundred percent myself with him. He made me feel small and insecure, and he criticized so much of who I was and what I liked. But then, when he praised me, I felt like I was ten feet tall, like I could do anything. He had the ability to tear me down and build me right back up in a matter of seconds.
I can clearly see now that it was never a healthy relationship.
Josh, on the other hand, makes me feel like I can fly, but also like I have my feet firmly on the ground at the same time. And I want to be that person for him too.
I love whenever he gives me advice. I love when he comes tomefor advice. I love arguing with him about important things like Double Stuf Oreos vs. Regular Oreos (Me: if they’re the same price and same number of cookies, why wouldn’t you get Double Stuf? Him: classic or bust), and he doesn’t make me feel like it’s small or insignificant.
I can’t believe what an idiot I’ve been. Of course it was all there. Of course I could see it. I was just too scared, too intimidated to do anything about it. It’s like he said: I didn’t want to ruin it. I didn’t want to ruin our relationship and lose him, too. It would have been too much to handle. We need each other, and the thought of willingly doing something that could risk our entire relationship, that could break it, was simply unacceptable.
I hold my head in my hands as I cry. I can hear the children laughing as they play in the park, dogs barking at each other while their owners throw their balls, and what looks like two old friends catching up on the bench by my picnic blanket. I try to focus on one of the dozens of things going on around me to avoid a panic attack.
Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.
I need to make things right tonight. I need to go home, shower, change, and really think about what happened.
I pack my water bottle and chips in my bag and am about to put the notebook away when a current of wind blows it open. I catch it, and it lands on a page I haven’t read, close to the end of the notebook.
It doesn’t have a salutation or a date.
Odd.
I don’t know what to say except that I want to beat the shit out of him.
I’ve never, ever had such strong feelings of hatred toward anyone. Fuck, Penny. I hate him. I hate that he did this to you.
And I hate that you won’t let us do anything about it.
Why won’t you report it? Or at least let me and Oliver kill him, you know? I realize now that Oliver loves you, too, by the way. Not in the same way that I do, but I know he cares about you.
We both want to beat the shit out of him. We talk about it. We talk about how angry we are, how frustrated. But I can’t even imagine what you’re actually feeling right now, Penny.
I’m scared for you.
Your light is out, and I can barely see you in there. I keep hoping for you to come back, but what can I expect? It hasn’t been that long since it happened. I’m sure you’re still in shock. Hell,I’min shock.
I know you’ve always been averse to being taken care of, but you didn’t seem to mind so much when I would. Now, though, I can see it in your face. You see the heartbreak in your friends’ eyes, the guilt plastered all over Oliver, and you hate it. You fucking hate it, and you run from it.
I understand. I understand that it reminds you of what happened, and all you want to do is forget about it and move on.
