Page 48 of In For a Penny
Despite the fact that it’s only three p.m., the Student Union is already packed when we get there. People in London don’t fuck around with their alcohol. I wonder idly how my liver is doing since having moved here.
We walk toward the bar, and I order us two beers.
“Here, I’ll get it,” he says with a smile.
I shake my head. “No way. I owe you for the immeasurable amount of granola bars I’ve stolen from you these past couple of months.”
He chuckles. “You didn’t steal them, Penny. I always bring an extra one for you.”
I can’t breathe.
Something in my chest tightens.
“Or…you know,” he quickly corrects himself, furrowing his brow, “anyone else who might need one—in case of emergencies.” As I said, he can always tell exactly what I’m feeling.
I gulp. I think I almost went into anaphylactic shock, an allergic reaction to whatever emotion I almost felt.
“Right, right. Sure,” I say, avoiding eye contact.
While we stand there and wait for our beers, the companionable silence has disappeared again. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as much awkwardness in my life as I do right now.Ever since Stonehenge, our friendship has devolved from something stable into a fucking rollercoaster of emotions.
After what seems like an hour, the bartender hands us our beers, and we miraculously find a free booth to sit at.
“So, why do you look so guilty?” he asks over his beer with an amused look in his eyes.
“Me? Guilty? I don’t feel guilty.”
Jumpy? Yes. Guilty? No. I have nothing to feel guilty about.
“You totally look guilty. Like you ran over someone’s dog.” Josh chuckles a little.
“Uhhh…” I debate telling him. I feel like I need to talk to someone about this. Allie doesn’t know Oliver, so even though she was extremely happy for me when I came home the night after, I don’t think she could fully comprehend the significance of me sleeping with Oliver. Chloe and Jane are phenomenal and two of my closest friends in the program, but I’m not sure how Chloe would react, seeing as she’s known Oliver the longest. And I love Jane, but she would tease me for the rest of my life.
Josh is part of my close friend group. He’s also close to Oliver. I know I’m breaking one of the rules, but he’s a trustworthy guy. It should be fine, right?
“Uh, so I did do something…” I laugh awkwardly.
He smiles, laughing a little. “I know you more than you think.”
Yeah, I know, and I’m not too happy about that.
He flags down a waiter and quickly orders a cheeseburger, giving me a second to organize my thoughts.
“I hope it’s okay if I eat. I skipped lunch today and am starving.”
I nod absentmindedly, searching for the right words.
Why am I so nervous?
“So, what is it exactly that you did that is making you look like a dog who destroyed its owner’s furniture?” He smiles.
I take a deep breath. “Okay, I’ll tell you, but you have to promise not to judge. Alright?” I eye him suspiciously, and he nods. “I mean, not that I need your approval or anything, because I am an adult, dammit, and an independent woman, and no one owns me, and I can do whatever I want with my body with whomever I want to do it with, whenever I want to do it, and however many times I want to do it, you know?” I get it out quickly.
“Um, sure,” Josh says, taking a sip from his beer, nodding.
“Okay, here’s the thing. But you have to promise not to judge or react.”
He rolls his eyes at me. Maybe I’m being dramatic. I take a deep breath. Josh is a nice guy and my friend. Of course he’ll be supportive. Josh will probably just laugh in disbelief and shake his head. He’ll probably make fun of me a bit, but he won’t judge. He’s chill.
