Page 4 of In For a Penny
They are expensive, addictive, the smell is impossible to hide, and—surprise—horrible for you. I take in a drag.
God, I love cigarettes.
I can’t help but relish the feeling as the smoke fills my lungs.
He pulls out a vape, and I laugh.
“What?” Austin asks.
“Since when do you vape? I didn’t realize that you had made a career move into finance!” I say, alluding to the correlation between Patagucci vest-wearing Wall Street bros and vapes. The city is overflowing with them.
He smiles. “They’re better for you than cigarettes!” he laughs, grabs my hand, and pulls me down to sit next to him. “But you’re right—it’s not the same.” He takes the cigarette from my hand and takes a drag.
We’ve shared many cigarettes over the course of our relationship—proof that we hadn’t exactly been the best influences on each other. Sharing one with Austin now brings me back to nights on his balcony where we smoked many of them post-coital.
I flash back to a particular night where we weren’t able to make it back into the apartment in time, and he took me there, against the balcony door, for the world to see. Thankfully, it was around three am, and there was not much movement around his neighborhood.
A car stops at the stoplight, blaring my favorite merengue song, and he smiles knowingly, getting up. He quickly puts the cigarette out and throws it in the trash can. Suddenly, he’s twirling me and pulling me into his arms. He knows I love to dance—I can’t help my Colombian heritage. He knows it’s my weakness.
Another memory of us at my favorite Latin club flashes when I close my eyes and feel his chest on my back as he rolls me into him. I had asked him to learn how to dance for me, and he had definitely delivered on that promise. The thought of him doing this with anyone else makes my heart ache.
He rolls me out and into him once more, his arms wrapped around me, burying his face into my hair, breathing me in. The humid end-of-summer air suddenly feels cold on my hot skin. Austin doesn’t play fair.
God, I hate him for making me feel this way.
“God, Penny, maybe…”
I stop quickly and pull away from him as the car drives away, taking the sultry song with it. “No. Stop. Please. I feel like you’re flip-flopping here.”
He looks sad and defeated. “You’re just so young. I can’t do this. This is why we need this separation.”
“Then why do you do stuff like this to me?” I raise my voice, referring to our impromptu dance. Suddenly, I realize that we are not alone on Fifth Avenue and have amassed somewhat of a crowd due to our dancing. I don’t blame the onlookers—I really am a good dancer, and he is excellent at leading.
“I don’t know! I-I can’t think straight when I’m with you! How are we supposed to have a life together when we go from being all gooey with each other to battling it out like this? We need separation! You need time to grow up some more and enjoy other things in life before committing to something more serious!”
I am seething with anger. “Yes, you have made your opinion about my maturity abundantly clear, Austin. To be honest, I think you need this too! You need to grow the fuck up.”
He sighs, looking exasperated. “Of course I do. That’s the whole point! We are way too serious about each other for where we are in life.”
Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.
“Goodbye, Austin. I can’t do this anymore,” I say as I start to walk quickly away. He catches up with me easily.
Damn these stilettos.
“Penny, please.” I keep walking as quickly as my shoes allow, wanting to run. “Penny! I love you, Penny! Please stop!”
I stop and whip around. “Don’t say it if you don’t mean it!” There’s venom in my voice. I sound like I’ve had enough, but I’m trying my hardest not to beg him to take me back.
“I do mean it.” He pulls me into his arms again. “Please, I don’t want to end things this way. Please. I’m sorry. It’s just... It’s just so fucking hard to think clearly around you! God,” he sighs loudly, “all I’ve been able to think all night during dinner is being with you, thinking about you naked in my bed, telling you how much I love you, and…fuck.”
He stares intently at me with wary eyes, measuring my reaction.
“Breathe, Penny.”
I suddenly realize that I have, in fact, stopped breathing.
“Austin…this is just too hard. If we love each other so much, why do we even need to do this?”
