Page 34 of In For a Penny
“I look like a whore,” I say to Allie. I stare at myself in her floor-length mirror, checking myself out after having undergone one of her makeovers.
It’s the night of Jane’s friend’s concert, and I’m wearing a very, very short black leather mini-skirt and a semi-sheer top, which I’m confident is a bit too revealing. One bit of backlight, and I’ll be flashing the whole venue. It’s also late October and freezing. What is she thinking putting me in this?
Allie laughs and shakes her head. “Nah, man. You look great. Your legs lookamazingin that mini-skirt, and the heels are killer.”
“Allie, I am not going to a club. I’m going to see some randos play. I look like I’m trying to get laid—desperately.”
“Um, aren’t you?” she asks with a shrug.
“No! I need to bond and solidify friendships with the cool people in this group. Icannotwear this. This shirt is essentially see-through.”
It has been a couple of weeks since Stonehenge, and I haven’t seen Josh as often as I used to. We’ve met up to work on our Strategic Management project, but we aren’t hanging out as much in between or after courses. I think we both feel the awkwardness and are mutually avoiding each other. I’m not one hundred percent sure he has feelings for me (or I for him, for that matter), but I don’t want to risk it.
She rolls her eyes at me and starts pulling my leather skirt down a little. “Is this better?”
I sigh, thinking about tonight. The plan is to go over to Chloe’s (in the middle of fucking nowhere), pregame together, and head out to the venue as a group.
“Listen, I’m tired of hearing you talk about Austin, and I know you talk a big game about having seen a ton of guys post-breakup, but I know for a fact that is utter bull. There were only two men, and both were friends of yours.”
“Excuse me, are you saying they were both pity sex or something?” I ask angrily.
Oh my God, am I really that pathetic?
Allie rolls her eyes at me. “Don’t be dramatic. I’m sure they were both super happy to get with you, but all I’m saying is that they don’t count as ‘putting yourself out there’.” She takes a deep breath and looks me in the eye. “You need totry, Penny. You’re holding yourself back. Just fucking let go.”
Easier said than done.
I look into her eyes in the reflection of the mirror. “I’m not ready to start dating anyone, Allie. I’m a fucking mess. These days, I can’t even put my makeup on correctly.” I think back to my half-made-up face from last month and how embarrassed I was that I spent the entire class looking like a crazy person. Thank God no one besides Josh noticed, and he told me as soon as we were done with class so I could go and fix it.
Allie rolls her eyes at me and starts playing with my hair, experimenting with an updo. I don’t even bother with her anymore—I’ll be her Barbie doll for the night.
“I’m not telling you to commit to anyone—jeez! If anyone knows what a walking dumpster fire you are right now, it’s me. I have to see you every day.”
“Wow. Thanks,” I mutter.
Allie sighs and turns me around, holding me by the shoulders. “Listen, I’m not saying go find yourself a boyfriend, but I do want you to go out and flirt with some boyssafely. You need this, Penny. You’re beautiful and smart and a good friend, and you don’t deserve to be this emotionally bankrupt person anymore. You need to stop waiting for him to come back.”
My eyes start to water. Allie is really good at tough love and handing out reality checks. It’s what I love/hate the most about her.
Emotionally bankrupt, indeed.
“Don’t worry,” I say. “I know he’s not coming back.”
I’d seen a lot of partying activity on his social media and an increase in female comments on his posts. I was verging on stalking, but honestly, who didn’t do at leastsomecyberstalking post-breakup? Let he who is free of sin cast the first stone. You know what I’m talking about.
The train ride back into the city had also been eye-opening. I promised myself that, even though I still had a lot of feelings to sort through, it was time I moved on—so I wasn’t holding out hope.
Allie sighs, reaching over to hold me in her arms. I inhale her familiar coconut smell and hug her back. I’m so damn lucky to have her here. “If you’re not comfortable in this outfit, let’s find you something else to wear, but I need you to promise me that you’lltry. Promise?”
I look her straight in the eye and say, “I promise.” And I mean it. Iwilltry, and I’m not holding out hope at all.
But it still hurts.
The night already feels abit shit when I Google Map tube directions to the pregame and realize precisely how long it will take me to get to Chloe’s apartment—an hour and forty-five minutes with a total of three tube lines. Desperately, I check to see how much an Uber would cost, but I get a quote for seventy-six pounds.
I never thought I would say this, but despite all of its flaws I’ve never missed the New York City MTA so much right now.
I sigh and accept defeat, choosing the cheaper, though not necessarily more sensible option, of paying three pounds instead of cutting my time in half by going by car.
