Page 320 of Vicious Saint
I’m confused, ashamed, and sad over what happened with Theory, but even with the medicine brain I know any kid who tries to kill his sister should be locked somewhere far away.
I just can’t stop the feeling it wasn’t me who did it.
I heard a man’s voice. He was somewhere telling me to do it.
To paint her red.
But I didn’t want to.
Even though it was my body on top of hers.
My hands around her throat.
My knuckles full of her blood.
I didn’t want to.
Not that this makes me feel any less like a monster. Theory was still hurt and it was still in some way by me. The big brother who promised to protect her.
I can hear my dad whispering prayers not far from my bed, something he does before every big decision.
“Please…please…please,” I repeat, hoping he, or God, can help me. Even though an evil kid like me doesn’t deserve any help.
“Saint…” My dad places his hand on my shoulder, the room too blurry from my tears to even know when he got here.
I squeeze my eyes closed. “Please, Dad. Don’t give up on me.”
Don’t make this nightmare real.
“I would never give up on you, son. I just don’t have the means to protect you from something like this. Only a professional can get down to the bottom of why you had such an episode, and how to make sure it’ll never happen again.”
“You can’t send me!” I cry out. “Theory needs me!”
If I’m not around, who’s going to brush her hair, pour her cereal how she likes it, or help squeeze the arms of her Barbies through their shirts? Theory always breaks them off, and I’m the only one who can get them popped back in their sockets.
Not Dad. Not Darla. Not even Riggs or Levi.
Just me. Only me.
How could I abandon her?
I can’t. I won’t.
“I’ll never do it again, I swear! You know I’d never hurt Theory. You know it, Dad! This is all some crazy mistake.”
It has to be.
“I know you love your sister, Saint.”
“Then you know I’d never let this happen again!” I plead, breathing so hard my chest hurts. “You have to believe me.”
“I do believe you.”
“Then please don’t send me away.”
“I don’t think I have a choice, son.”
“You can choose to trust me.”
