Page 250 of Vicious Saint
And up until now, I hated myself for not trying harder.
“Then why’d you do what you did? You know how much I care about Theory. How hard I was making up for what I said about her.”
Saint drops his hands, and although his touch lingers, it’s not enough to ease the pang from their absence. “I was scared.”
“Of what? Fucking tell me already.”
I’ve been needing so. Damn. Long for us to have this conversation.
Replayed our last one over and over until I was exhausted with regret for all the things I wish I said. Did.
I imagined Saint apologizing.
I imagined him laughing in my face.
Two of us throwing hands. Ripping the clothes off each other after.
So many made up scenarios, so many made up outcomes.
Just for me to end up here.
Unsure if I can hold it together long enough to go through the real one.
I owe it myself, though, just as much as he owes it to me.
“Of a lot of shit. My monster. Him hurting you. The feelings for you I can’t control. The situation with…my dad.” There’s a brief, but intense pause before he adds, “You and Theory getting hurt because of it.”
“How do any of these things justify ruining my relationship with her?”
“Because look what just happened! I did the one thing I never thought fucking possible when it came to my sister.” His eyes glaze over, what he says next being somewhere between devastation and surrender. “I chose someone else over her.”
Regardless of my heart exploding to pieces from the declaration, my only instinct is to help defend his actions.
“Theory was too far away for you to even help her.”
“Where she was wouldn’t have mattered.”
“How could you say that?”
“Because…”
“Because…why?”
Saint’s outburst comes moments after.
“Because, Jimi, I waited a long fucking time to see what your eyes look like when they smile at me!” He tones it down with a defeated shrug. “And now that I have, I know I would’ve chosen you regardless.”
“You can’t possibly…” My words trail off from the stinging in my throat.
Saint’s tortured expression proves otherwise.
“I don’t know how to do this…”
“Neither do I, Saint. But I thought our lack of experience was something we could build on.”
“I tried really fucking hard. You have to know that. Even if you can’t forgive me for the shit I’ve done.” He presses his forehead against mine, the words spilling from his lips like a useless prayer. “But Ineedyou to forgive me, Jimi.”
“I don’t understand…why the sudden urgency?”
