Page 11 of Keep My Secrets
“We talk about it. You tell me what your hard limits are, what you want to explore, and I tell you different things I enjoy. There will always be a discussion of what is ok and what isn't.”
She sits on the bed.
Yes, Aria, get comfortable. We have a lot to discuss.
She takes a deep breath.
“You seem nervous.” She looks away again. “What’s going on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Aria.”
“I don’t know,” she repeats. “I have questions, but I don’t know what the questions are,” she admits, her voice soft.
“Then what if I ask some questions?”
“Ok.”
“Will you answer honestly?”
“Yes, Daddy.” This is not an easy conversation. I am asking her to be vulnerable with me, and I am not even in the same room.
“When you think about the toys you saw…Do they scare you? Or do they make you curious?” I ask, starting off easily.
“Curious,” her voice soft.
“Good.”
Aria rolled onto her side. “And what if I said some of them did scare me?”
“Then I’d say you’re honest,” I reply. “Fear isn’t weakness, Aria. It’s information. And it tells me where to go slow, and where to…” I swallow, “push.”
“Push?”
“Yes, I want to be able to give you the experiences you want, to feel those sensations you have only been able to fantasize about. That would require me to be gentle in some areas, and not so much in others. I can push some of your boundaries and help you find release in ways you have only dreamed of. Toys are just tools. The real question is whether you trust me enough to use them ways you need, not ways you fear.”
Aria closes her eyes. She is taking in everything I have to say.
“And if I say yes?”
“If you said yes, I would get to spend a lot of time proving that surrendering to me isn’t giving up control, it’s finally being free of it.”
Her breath trembles, and for a moment, neither of us speaks. I can see the battle in her eyes. She has been told certain desires are wrong, and now she is hearing that I want to help her feel everything.
“Say the word, Aria. Let me show you.”
She nods.
“Say it.”
“Yes, Daddy.”
“Put the phone on the nightstand where I can still see you.” She does as she’s told. “Close your eyes for me.”
She does without hesitation. I want the room around her to fade into darkness, to solely focus on my voice.
“Good girl,” I praise. “Now, imagine I’m there with you. Imagine me going into the closet where I keep everything you found. Which toy do you think I’d choose first?”
