Page 113 of Love Me Steadfast
“I’ll be out in a minute.” I force my tone to steady. I lean against the tile and hug my middle tight, like it can keep me from sliding to the bottom of the tub. What then would stop me from slipping into the drain and into the pipes, disappearing with the rest of the sewage?
“Sorry if I woke you,” I say, shutting my eyes to rid the image.Stop crying! Pull it together!
“It’s okay.”
Go back to bed, I beg her.
I wait, my limbs feeling heavy and my skin raw after I scoured myself with the soap. My private places are too sensitive to touch, but at least I’ve erased what he left on my skin.
Not that I’ll ever feel clean again.
I have to forget it ever happened. It’s the only way to protect myself.Tell anyone, and I’ll ruin you.
But more importantly, I have to protect the people I love.
Because I won’t survive losing William pieces at a time. Watching his dreams shatter.
The water turns tepid and I start to shiver. After drying myself off, I kick my clothes under the sink, but the heavy object in the pocket of my jeans reminds me that there’s still one more thing I need to do.
With a shaky breath, I pull out my phone.
I lie curledup beneath the covers in the dark, hugging myself. My wet hair makes my neck feel like ice, but my insides are still hot and raw. I had no idea it could hurt this much. With William, even the first time, it didn’t hurt.
I’ll never be able to experience that kind of connection again. That kind of limitless trust. To be pleasured, cherished.
It’s all gone.
Destroyed.
I try to hold back my tears but I’m not strong enough, and soon I’m sobbing in silence, my frame shaking the bed.
“Charlie,” Emmie breathes, her weight dipping the mattress behind me. “Talk to me.”
I clench my eyes shut. “I’m okay.”
She places her hand on my shoulder, but it just makes me cry harder. “Is it William?” Her tone turns angry. “Did he break up with you? I swear I’ll cut off his?—”
“No,” I choke out, then hug myself tighter because when is it going to stop hurting? “It’s not Will.”
She rises from the bed. “I’m getting Sally.”
My refusal comes out like a croak, and too late because she’s already slipped from the room.
I squeeze my eyes shut and try to steady my breathing, but another wave of panic is building inside me.
If Sally comes, she’ll want the truth. But I can’t give it to her.
The hotel room door swings open, bringing in a swath of light from the bright hallway. Emmie’s whispering to Sally as they approach the bed, their footsteps quick.
I brace myself, shutting my eyes so they can’t see me, but I’m crying so hard and shivering, my teeth rattling.
Sally’s warm hand brushes my forehead. “Charlie, sweetie,” she says in a soothing tone. It’s so different from her usual bossy badass one that I suck in a gasp. “What’s wrong? Are you sick?”
I shake my head.
“Are you hurt?”
I start to cry again, snot running down my face. Why can’t I stop?
