Page 108 of Love Me Steadfast
How is it that three hundred people bought tickets to see us play?
I draw another slow breath and hold it, then let it out. Then I do it again. Why do I feel like I’m going to cry one second, then puke the next?
ME
I’m scared
WILLIAM
It’s okay, baby. Just take it one note at a time
I close my eyes and draw this beat of kindness all the way down to the tips of my toes. How does he always seem to be so tuned in to what’s happening inside me?
ME
How are you even texting me rn? Aren’t you in the middle of practice?
WILLIAM
I’m supposed to be taking a piss
I laugh, imagining Will hiding in a bathroom stall, bulky pads and all, just to talk me off the ledge.
Dad slips into the room, his eyes sparkling. “Five minutes, gang.”
Crosby’s eyes open and Morgan squeals.
ME
Gotta go, we’re up next
WILLIAM
I love you
I blink at the screen but my eyes sting and my breath feels hot in my cheeks. We’ve said those words to each other plenty of times but seeing them still makes my heart stutter.
I finger the pendant shaped like a coda and swing it back and forth, the feel of it reassuring. Will gave it to me the day he left forOregon.You’re my ending, Charlotte. The refrain I want to play over and over again.
ME
I love you, QB
WILLIAM
You’ve got this, blackbird
The nickname makes my heart feel like a balloon expanding inside my chest, filling all the little crevices with warmth and light. I place my hand over where it’s beating hard and strong and close my eyes for one, two, three counts. Then I exhale and tuck my phone away.
At the mirror, I check my makeup and hair one last time. I barely recognize myself, but everything is in place. Morgan slides in for a sideways hug and snaps a selfie of us, then bounces away, giggling. It’s almost hard to believe that only two years ago, she had purposefully put herself in harm’s way to escape the terrible things she was feeling inside. Since then, she’s worked hard to reach for the light. She smiles more. Laughs more. She’s kinder to herself, too. And she’s put a lot of effort into writing songs and making music, which is the only reason we’re here today. If I wasn’t a ball of apprehension right now, I’d be glowing.
Crosby’s put his stuff away too and though his face looks pale, he’s a rock. Still just as awkward, but he’s never nervous. Not before the SATs or senior finals, not before our choir duet, and certainly not before a show that a brilliant musician like him could play in his sleep.
He gives me a hint of a smile. “Ready for this?”
I huff another giant breath. “I guess we’ll find out, huh?”
Dad leads us from the room, and we walk single file down a dark hallway, the sound from Tenderhook’s finale growing louderwith every step. We got to meet them yesterday at sound check. Ari, their lead singer, is the same age as Mo. Maybe it’s just my nerves talking but they’re definitely better than us. When we get to side stage, even though the evening is cooling off, with all the lights blasting down on the band, heat pulses off them in waves.
