Page 111 of Love Me Steadfast
Though my head is throbbing, I thrash and fight. My nails catch his flesh somewhere—his arms?—but he just laughs. I scream while trying to buck him off with my hips. But everything happens too fast. I can’t look in the mirror but closing my eyes makes everythingworse. So I focus on the orchid. On the delicate petals. The sturdy, intricate roots. I tear a piece of myself away from everything and nestle it inside one of the blooms, so at least one part of me stays safe. Untarnished. I pretend the orchid is growing, growing, through the ceiling and into the warm, starry night.
Taking me away from here.
Chapter Thirty-Four
CHARLOTTE (AGE 18)
“Oh! Sorry!”
I blink up at the woman standing in the bathroom doorway. It’s like staring down a long tunnel. At a reality that doesn’t exist. Sound from the party billows in, but I’m so locked inside myself, it’s like my head is underwater.
She wrinkles her nose. “Um, are you okay?”
Panic speeds through my bloodstream. I need to get out of here. “Yeah.” My voice doesn’t sound like my own, but it has to be.
Did I pull up my jeans or did Nic do it? How did I end up curled into a ball on the floor?
The woman laughs, the noise like thorns on my face. “You having a bad trip or something?”
When I push to stand, everything hurts. My inhale is shaky but I ball my fists.
Get. Out. Of. Here.
“You sure you’re okay?” the woman asks as I limp past her.
It takes every last shred of my strength to return to the main rooms, but it’s the only way to get to the door. With each step, thevolume seems to double, until the sound is a monster coming for me with a hatchet.
I half expect the music to quit and all eyes to turn to me, but nothing changes.
Beneath my urge to run, there’s an impulse to tell someone what happened, to scream it, even.
But what would that even do? Before Nic left, he warned me.Tell anyone, and I’ll ruin you. I’ll tell them what a little whore you are. How you begged me for it.
My dad’s words from when I told him about Garret filter through the roaring in my head.He says you sent him mixed signals.
Hot shame ignites my lungs, and I choke back a sob.
I have to get out of here.
Squinting at the bright lights, I skirt the crowds of people still talking and laughing. I half expect someone to call out, but no one does.
As I reach for the door, the pain inside me sharpens. I feel torn in a hundred hidden places, broken, like no matter how long I rest, I’ll never heal.
Keep moving.
My breaths echo in my ears as I shuffle into the elevator. Just before the door closes, a couple joins me, the woman giggling as the guy wraps his arm around her waist and pulls her close.
I spin into the corner to hide my face. If I don’t see them, maybe they won’t see me.
They get off on the next floor down, and I melt into the wall.
It doesn’t make sense. I shouldn’t want to be alone.
That’s what’s beginning to hurt worse than what he did to me. Because right now, I’m more alone than I’ve ever felt.
I reach up to stroke the coda medallion Will gave me, but my fingers clasp around air. Panic floods me. I feel along my neck, then shake out my shirt, expecting the necklace to fall out. Where could it be? But there’s nothing. Tears sting my eyes and burn my nose. I cover my face with my hands and wish that I’d never come here.Never gone to that party. I should have left with my friends. I shouldn’t have taunted Nic like that. The thought makes a memory snap into focus, and I gasp.
Nic has my necklace. There was a pop when the chain broke. A look of triumph in his eyes when he pocketed the medallion.
