Page 185 of Swords of Soul and Shadow
Too simple and quiet a word for the way it broke Hallie. It echoed in her head. It took up all the space she had left until she could no longer concentrate on anything else.
A buzzing started in her head, and she knew that if she stayed there any longer, she would lose it.
She threw the Zuprium pouch to the ground and left the circle of stones. She needed to be anywhere but where Saldr’seyes could bore into her, expecting her to make the choice to doom them all no matter what universe they found themselves in.
If she went with General Correa’s plan, she died. If she went with Saldr and the Lord Elder’s plan, everyone she knew might cease to exist. The only positive about the second option was the idea that they could all start over…but would people make the same choices? Would those choices inevitably lead her to this exact moment again? Would she be forced into a continuous time loop, never to escape? Wasn’t that how it happened in books?
She sprinted through the meadow and out into the tunnels as people packed up their scant belongings. That was right. Today was the day some were heading back to the city. Hallie had been so caught up in her own life she’d forgotten people were returning to theirs.
Maybe she could go back to her apartment and hide away from anything and everything—or just leave entirely. Maybe she could create a portal to the other side of the world and hope for the best. She’d probably mess up time again, but it seemed she was doomed to do that anyway.
Could she sit and watch the world burn, knowing she could’ve done something to stop it? Was there truly no way out of this?
She hardly knew where she was going, but she somehow ended up in front of Kase’s tent. After the beauty of the Yalvs’ cavern, this one felt plain and cold. It was still better than Saldr’s pitying look.
No guard waited outside his tent. Either the guard had finally been dismissed, or Kase was out training the new pilots. Her mind was so clouded, she couldn’t remember where he was supposed to be or if he would be back soon. She assumed it was midday, but that meant nothing to her addled mind.
Hesitating for a moment and nodding awkwardly to the couple next door who’d just finished packing up their tent, she went inside to wait. She couldn’t go back to Saldr. She could maybe talk to Petra, but she doubted she would understand. Hallie hadn’t told her what she was, and she didn’t want to have to explain.
And who knew where Fely had gone off to.
Kase’s tent was sparse and impersonal for the most part, but maybe it only felt that way because the tent she still shared with her parents was cramped with three adults. His held a cot with a green coverlet tossed haphazardly into a ball at the end, the pillow askew as if he’d slept nearly hanging his head off the side. His pilot jacket was folded neatly next to the pillow, and a shuttered gas lantern sat upon the ground. She flicked that on with a soft popping sound. His pack lay tucked under the cot, the mouth open, a few of his personal effects inside including a leatherbound book spilling out.
Hallie picked up the book. She couldn’t help it. She had Frankenstein back in her parents’ tent, tucked away in her pack. Sadly, she hadn’t had the mind to read it lately, for it reminded her too much of her current situation. While she hadn’t died and been stitched together with thread, the power within her certainly made her feel like a monster. She’d done monstrous things like killing and bringing down entire forts. She’d led Niels to what was likely to be his death.
Add Saldr’s revelations to the pile, and she might deserve whatever fate awaited her.
She sat on the cot and inspected the leather book. Flipping to the first page, she expected typeface and the title. Instead, she found unfamiliar handwriting. The script was neat and evenly spaced. Each letter was formed with care. Hallie was jealous. Her writing was untidy at the best of times.
The first page went like:
Hals,
Heard some good gossip today while waiting for the privy. Well, it wasn’t gossip, necessarily. But I guess it would be now if I’m telling you? Whatever…
She froze. It was written to her. She scanned the rest of the page and flipped through a few other pages. They were all letters, and each were signed ‘Always, Kase.’
She fanned through the rest of the book, which was close to halfway full. All of them were addressed to her, but they varied in length and content. Had he meant to send them? Earlier, she’d wondered why he’d only sent her one message while under house arrest.
He’d onlysentone. But he’d written dozens.
She couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face. It helped thaw the ache in her heart. Just a little.
She read the first one about the lady in the privy line and laughed. She could hear his voice in her head, almost as if he was there telling her the story himself. She shouldn’t read the rest. What if she was spoiling some surprise he had planned?
She partway closed the book, her finger keeping her place. Putting it back would be the kind thing to do. He probably hadn’t meant for her to read them. It was an invasion of his privacy.
She bent to replace it, but hesitated.
Nevermind.
It was his fault he hadn’t hidden the book better. She flipped the book back open and read greedily.
She turned to the next one, expecting more humor…only to find it hidden among more serious topics, like how he thought Jove and his mother dead. It was personal, and she realized in the second letter it was essentially his diary.
Except she couldn’t stop reading. They were written to her, after all. Even if he’d never meant them as real letters, he’dobviously written them in such a way that they felt more like a conversation between them. It was the distraction she needed.
She read the first several, then read them again and again. Each word made her feel so much closer to him in a way she hadn’t realized she could feel. She smiled at the lines at the end of one of the more serious ones.
