Page 87 of A Duchess Bound
Gerard sighed and poured the remaining brandy into his glass. “I know.”
“Did the most recent affair end?” Pontoun asked. “And poorly?”
Gerard slumped in his chair. “Yes,” he conceded. “And it was entirely by my own design.”
“This woman was unlike the others, though. You have ended affairs many times, and you have never once expressed a scrap of guilt for having done so.”
Gerard took a large swallow of brandy. He was beginning to feel a little bit hazy, which was an excellent sign. Given how much alcohol it had taken for him to feel any effects from it, however, Gerard doubted he could tolerate drinking enough to cease thinking entirely of Dorothy.
“She has made me feel like no other woman has,” Gerard said, letting out a low, bitter laugh. “She made me feel open and tender andkind! I have never felt such closeness with a woman, and God help me! I never wanted to stop seeing her!”
A beat of silence followed the words, and in the aftermath of them, Gerard’s heart beat very quickly. He…
He could not put into words how much he longed to leave the club and race to her side. He wanted to apologize for leaving her, for denying her for even an instant. He wanted to beg her forgiveness, to do anything which might prove how much he wanted her still.
“Is it really so?” Pontoun asked after a moment. “You truly cared for her that much?”
Gerard nodded. “I—I did, and for a moment, I believed that I might be something more to her. Thatwemight be something more.”
Gerard searched Pontoun’s face, as if by putting all his attentions on his friend, he might find some magical means by which Gerard might remain Dorothy’s lover forever.
“She was charming,” Gerard said. “Witty, adventurous—achallengelike I have never had before—and so very nurturing. Until I met her, I did not understand how I could desire any woman, but I adored her.”
“What happened?” Pontoun’s voice was very soft. “Did she choose to end things? Is there a chance that she might yet relent?”
Gerard shook his head. “Unlikely, given everything that I said.”
“Everything thatyousaid?” Pontoun asked. “If you have offended the lady’s honor, you must make amends at once! Ifyou love her as greatly as you say, I am certain that she will forgive you!”
“You would be wrong,” Gerard said. “And even if she would forgive me, this is for the best.”
His stomach lurched, and a pulsing pressure built in his head, near his temple. Still, Gerard remained too aware of his situation and the futility of it.
“How can this possibly be for the best?” Pontoun asked, equally disbelieving and outraged. “You are distressed and seemingly becoming a sot before my very eyes! You have just revealed that you love this woman!”
“So I have! And I foolishly thought that I could have more from her, that I could have something of this young woman and keep it forever. Then, I ruined everything. I know I made the right choice in ending our affair, but still, I wish that I had not.”
“Sotell her!” Pontoun exclaimed.
“I cannot.”
“Willnot,” Pontoun corrected impatiently. “And why not? There are so few opportunities to find true love in this world, and if you have found it, you would be a foolish man, indeed, if you do not fight for it!”
Gerard took another swallow of brandy and glared at his friend. “I am beginning to wish that I had not told you.”
“Why?”
“Because I wanted you to comfort me and tell me that I made the correct decision, not—notthis.”
“Well, I am sorry to disappoint you, but I donotbelieve you have made the correct decision. Does she not return your affections?”
Gerard bit the inside of his cheek, and the silence stretched between them.
“Oh no.” Pontoun sighed. “She did care for you—perhaps,stillcares for you. Which is it?”
“Both,” Gerard said, “but I was not good for her. She deserves better.”
Shediddeserve better, but a small, traitorous part of Gerard’s mind recalled that Dorothy had resolved to be a spinster. Unlike many young misses, she did not have a veritable regiment of suitors vying for her hand. He was her best choice for a marriage because he was the only choice.
