Page 97 of We Were Something
“My second year, I got pregnant,” I blurt out, knowing it will be easier if I get it all out in one go. “But I miscarried at eight weeks and I was in the ICU for a week because the bleeding was…” I shake my head. “And then they told me I had stage 1 endometrial cancer.”
Logan’s shoulders fall, his entire demeanor shifting. The sadness from earlier comes back renewed.
“We caught it early, but the standard treatment for endometrial cancer is…”
“…a hysterectomy,” Logan whispers.
My nostrils flare as I try to keep my emotions at bay.
I don’t go into detail about the rest. About the fact that we left my ovaries to prevent early menopause, but how doing so means I have a higher risk of the cancer returning. If that happens, I’ll have to have my ovaries removed and then go through chemo.
So not only am I not able to have kids, there is a high risk that at some point in the future, I’ll lose my hair and a bunch of weight and be a sickly burden on anyone in my life.
Which is why I haven’t known whether or not a real relationship with someone should be something I ever allow for myself. What kind of life does that create for the other person? What kind of trauma and fear will I be saddling them with?
“I look at Jen, and I think…they could be a family,” I tell him, a sob welling in my chest and breaking free. “You could have a family. And that’s something I cannevergive you.”
Logan moves so quickly across the room I almost miss it, his body a blur as he comes toward me, tucking me in against his chest in a way that makes me feel whole. My tears fall freely as I imagine a world where I don’t get to have this.
“You know, sometimes you’re so smart,” he tells me, one hand stroking my hair while the other holds me tight against him. “And other times, you’re so stupid.”
I try to tug back and glare at him, his words striking a chord I don’t like, but he holds me steadfastly, keeping me from budging even an inch.
“You stood there and told me all about the family Icouldhave without even considering whether or not it’s really the family Iwant.”
Keeping my eyes closed, I allow him to rock me gently, savoring the feel of his warm arms, the smell of his skin.
“Maybe you think you know better for me than I do, but I can tell you honestly, unequivocally, that I amnotinterested in getting back together with Jen.”
He moves back, looking into my eyes, searching for something before he takes my hand in his and drags me over to the bed, practically shoving me onto it and under the covers, fully dressed. Then he flicks off the light and drops his jeans before crawling in next to me.
“I never told you the full story of what happened between us, and that’s my mistake,” he says, his eyes watching mine. “Jen wanted a baby, and I didn’t. That’s why she slept with Rodney, because he could give her what she really wanted. A baby.”
My brow furrows as I try to think back to what he told me before, our previous conversations blurring together in my mind along with the emotion and exhaustion of the day. I definitely would have remembered something like that.
Logan’s head falls back into his pillow and he stares up at the ceiling, the moonlight from outside streaking through the window above the bed and slashing across his face and chest.
“We met when I was nineteen, and we dated through college and got married during the summer before my final year of medical school. During my third year, I did a rotation in pediatrics, and I knew almost immediately that I didn’t want to have kids. So I told her. She said she hadn’t ever thought much about having kids before so it didn’t matter to her either.”
“And then she, what…changed her mind?”
He nods. “We fought about it for years. At some point, all her friends started getting pregnant and she started to get jealous. She said it was the one thing she’d always wanted and I was horrible for not taking into consideration her maternal instincts.”
I watch as his body tenses, his long-term frustration over this topic surging up and out of him.
“But my certainty aboutnothaving kids had only continued to grow as I finished school and began my residency then picked pediatrics as my specialty. I mean, I see all these innocent kids come in with these crazy diseases and horrible conditions that rob them of ever really getting tolive. I knew I wanted to dedicate all my time to the work of advancing the science, improving their quality of life, giving them a chance, rather than raising kids myself.”
Reaching over, I place my hand on his chest, right over his heart.
I don’t verbalize my love for him, because it’s too soon. Far too soon. I may have blurted it out to Jen earlier, but in my defense, I was on the verge of hysteria.
I keep my hand there and think it over and over in my mind.
How much I love him and this heart that’s beating steadily under my hand. How thankful I am for the way he sees the world, the soul inside of him that seeks to make the world a better place.
“So you see, I can’t have you running back to the beach thinking you’re giving me the life I always wanted by shoving me toward Jen,” he continues, placing his hand over mine. “My life with her was fine in the beginning. It was decent in the middle, and it was sad and angry at the end. But my life is not with Jen anymore. It was a decision she made for us both, but it really is for the best.”
It looks like he’s going to continue, but I tug him toward me and press my lips to his, looking for a way to manage all the emotions that have been flooding my body.
