Page 71 of Give My Everything
“This is a wise use of your time?” I ask. “Sitting in the kitchen and trying to make me feel like shit?”
Dominic steps up next to me just as I open some turpentine to clean the paint off my fingers.
“That safe?” he asks. “With the pregnancy?”
I pause, looking at the small clear bottle in my hands, then set it off to the side and resign myself to cleaning up with good old soap and water.
“I’m not trying to make you feel like shit,” he continues. “I just want to make sure you’re being smart about this.”
He stands next to me as I scrub the remnants of the blue door off the heel of my right hand, but he doesn’t say anything else.
I finish rubbing that one particularly difficult spot over and over, only turning to look up into my brother’s eyes when I’m done, making certain that he understands me.
“I’m capable of handling this myself,” I say, my jaw tight. “I’ve had to handle a lot of shit in my life on my own. I don’t need you to start meddlingnow.”
And then I leave Dominic and my paint brushes behind.
When I get up to my room, I find Ben standing in the corner, looking at a bookshelf filled with yearbooks and pictures and mementos from my high school years.
He picks one up to examine it closer, and I wince.
It’s a picture of me and Lucas at one of his earlier surfing competitions. He’s sitting on the sand, his legs bent, one arm wrapped around me, pulling me in close.
After we broke up, I came home and boxed up almost all the things that represent our relationship. Pictures from prom. Old stuffed animals and bullshit he gave me when we were dating. Just junk, and now it’s all shoved into a box I placed with the other things my mother has boxed up and kept over the years.
I didn’t get rid of that picture, though.
That picture—that was usbeforewe started dating. That’s us at fourteen, just being friends. A whole group of us were there to support him that day as he took some of his first steps toward becoming a professional surfer.
We were at our best when we were just friends, and I wanted to keep something that would help me remember that.
I’m sure it doesn’t look that way to Ben, though.
Not that he has any reason to be bothered by a picture of Lucas. It’s not like he wants me to lovehim.
But I know any attempt to explain myself right now will just make me look like I’m trying to…well,explainmyself.
Also, we have other things to talk about at the moment.
“Alright, let’s talk.”
At the sound of my voice, Ben turns his head to look at me. For some reason, I thought maybe he’d be startled, like I was catching him looking at my pictures, but of course he looks as cool as a cucumber. He’s always that way.
I walk over to the corner near my closet where I have two oversized chairs that are perfect for curling up and chatting with a friend.
Or with the guy you’re fake-engaged to, slash actually marrying.
Ben replaces the picture he was holding and follows me over, dropping into the chair across from me with a plop.
“The past two weeks have been kind of…a lot,” I say, interrupting before he starts talking. “My whole world has been a lot to deal with recently.”
I gather up all my hair and bring it over my left shoulder, my fingers beginning the slow work of partitioning off the pieces so I can bundle it into a long braid.
“So the only thing I’d really like for us to do is start completely over, like today is the day you approach me at Bennie’s and say we should get married. And instead of waffling, I just agree with you. Instead of weird interactions where we’re kissing in front of people and having dinner with my ex’s sister and your brother, we just have normal dates, normal interactions—as friends.” I pause, though my fingers continue the methodical work of braiding my hair. “Friends who are getting married.”
When I finally look up at Ben, I see him watching my hands, though his eyes rise to mine as soon as he realizes I’m looking at him.
“I think…that’s probably a great idea,” he finally says, settling more comfortably into his chair, one leg rising to rest on the other. “We should go on a few more dates, absolutely, but we also need to spend more time getting to know each other better.”
