Page 58 of Give My Everything
See? Just another example.
I showed him my weakness, my broken parts, the part of me that craves the physical like I can’t breathe without it.
And he couldn’t handle it, so he pushed me away.
I heard he got a new job at a different school later that year, went as far as leaving Alta Mesa to get away from me.
Because he knew it then just like I know it now.
I’m only good for one thing.
“Remmy.”
My head jerks up when I hear my name, my eyes colliding with Ben’s.
But I look away just as quickly. The last thing I want to see is whatever that look is on his face.
Pity. Sympathy. Compassion.
I don’t deserve those things.
And I don’t want them either.
“Remmy, I’m sorry.”
He drops down to my right, his knees in the sand, a single hand coming out to rest on my thigh.
“I’msosorry. I’ve been sitting over there trying to put words together, but I realized…there isn’t anything I can say to fix this. All I can do is tell you I spoke out of turn, and even though I don’t know the whole story, I know for afactthat you don’t deserve whatever that…award was for.”
I laugh, feeling the toxic sludge inside my soul begin to bubble over.
“You think I didn’t deserve it?” I reply, my voice barely loud enough for him to hear with the waves rushing to shore so close to where we sit.
I look off into the distance, toward the moon that hangs low in the sky, the reflection glowing in the water.
“Do you know what a Bicycle Award is, Ben?” I don’t look at him when I ask, because I don’t want to see his response in his face if he does. And if he doesn’t, I don’t want to see his reaction when he realizes what it means about me. “It goes to the whore, the mostriddenwoman, the one who fucks everyone because that’s all she’s good for.”
“Remmy…”
But I continue, not letting him correct me or lessen it. “That first semester, I slept with new guys every week, sometimes with more than one at a time.” I close my eyes, trying to push away the sticky tar that makes me feel like trash, instead focusing on remembering the pleasure that muted the world, if only for a little while. “It made me feel good to know they wanted me, to know I held that power andIwas the one who got to control it.”
When I open my eyes, I see Ben just staring at me, his lips parted, not even trying to hold back his surprise.
“An award like that makes it sound likeI’mthe one being used. Because I’m the bicycle, right? The one everyone wants to ride?”
I let out a long moan, the sound quiet but loud enough for Ben to hear.
“Being that woman is intoxicating, though, and you know why?” I ask, rising up on my knees and moving closer to Ben. I place my hands on his shoulders and lean close to whisper in his ear. “Because what they want is something onlyIcan give them, something warm and tight and wet.”
I press my hand beneath Ben’s legs, feeling the manhood between his thighs and rubbing my palm against it through his jeans.
“God, Ben, don’t you want that?” I croon in his ear, feeling his dick thicken and lengthen in my hand. “Don’t you want to get lost on a ride so long and good you can’t remember where you are?”
He pants out a breath in my ear, a small groan rumbling from his throat, and I do what I know he wants.
I press my lips to his neck and start to suck and nibble at his warm skin. My hands undo the button and zipper of his jeans and I reach inside his pants to take hold of him in my hand. God, he’s big.
“Fuck, Remmy,” he says, his head back and eyes closed, his breathing coming out fast.
