Page 32 of Give My Everything
She looks like she’s just finished running up a flight of stairs when she’s done. Her face is flushed and her eyes are wide, her nostrils flared.
Even though I was hoping to get into an argument, something that would help me expel some of this energy I haven’t been able to get out of my system in weeks, my shoulders fall when I realize this isn’t going to be the moment I’ve been searching for.
Paige isn’t the person I want to fight with.
I deserve every single word she just said.
“You’re right.”
My words take a moment to penetrate, probably because she’s exhausted and her brain isn’t currently functioning at full capacity. I can tell when she does comprehend what I’ve said.
Partially because her shoulders drop and the flush on her face begins to fade, but also because she says, “Excuse me?”
I shake my head. “Everything you just said…well,mostof what you just said is completely true. You’re right.”
She crosses her arms and glances around like she’s confused.
It actually makes me laugh a little bit, which makes Paige look angry again, which makes me laugh even harder because she’s super adorable when she’s angry because she’s so short. Paige has always been the cutest one in our little group of friends, no matter what her mood.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be laughing. Really. I just…I was planning to let you shout at me and then I was going to shout back because normally, I like to argue and fight when I’m emotional and upset, which is why I went shopping in the first place today. But after listening to you, I just can’t shout back, because I’m exhausted. Totally exhausted.”
I chuckle again, because I can’t help it, but my eyes well with tears at the same time.
“And you’re right,” I add, my voice hitching when I think about it. “I did fuck up with Lucas. I knew I was holding on to him by a thread and that our days were numbered and instead of cutting him loose and moving on, I gripped on tighter because I was scared to let go of the only thing I’ve ever known.”
I shake my head, some of my tears falling free and streaking down my face. The last thing I planned on doing this morning was breaking down in front of Paige freaking Andrews, of all people.
But I can’t help it.
“My life is a mess right now and I feel sofuckinglost, which is like, thelastthing I ever thought I’d be tellingyou.I mean, youhateme. And I get it, I really do…because I hate me, too,” I say, my voice choking and cutting off at the end. “But God, I’m so glad he’s happy with Lennon. As much as you might not think it, I really do care about Lucas, and I would feel horrible if my shit caused him to drown. So I get it, Paige, I really do. I promise.”
There’s a long pause as she just stares at me.
“Well.” It’s all she says before shifting back and forth in her little tennis shoes. “This is not at all what I expected today to be like,” she adds, giving me a somewhat chagrined smile.
My returning smile is watery. “Me neither.”
We both stand in silence for a moment longer before I decide it’s time to get out of here, to find some other way to deal with the feelings coursing through me, because this chat with Paige is definitely not it.
“I’m gonna go,” I say, my voice soft, softer than I expected. “I’ll see you around, Paige.”
We give each other these really awkward waves, something that makes me feel like a kid, and then I turn away, exiting the store as quickly as possible.
When I get home, I take a long, hot shower even though I already took one this morning. I’m just hoping for a moment of calm before I push myself to have one final emotionally draining conversation.
Because today, I need to do the thing you’re not supposed to do. I need to call my ex.
“Hey, Remmy.”
Lucas’ voice feels like something smooth and warm caressing my cold, hard heart. Lucas has always been that for me: the place of refuge, the one space I felt safe and secure.
“Hey, Lucas. Sorry to bother you, I just—”
“You’re not bothering me,” he interjects. “I told you I’m still here for you, no matter what.”
I nod as I take a seat on one of the oversized armchairs in my room, wrapped only in my towel.
For just a moment, I allow myself to feel that pang of wistful youth as I remember what it’s like to love Lucas.
