Page 27 of Give My Everything
That thing that tightened in my chest eases when she puts it that way, and I can’t put a finger on why.
I find myself nodding in agreement, wanting to do this for her if it means something. To her, not to her dad.
“That’s fine, but we still need to set up a timeline, right? For all of that?” I need to shift this conversation away from whatever emotional stuff we’re mucking through and back toward logistics. “I created a list of all the different components of a relationship from start to finish, and we should probably start by picking a wedding date and working backward.”
I hand Remmy my notebook so she can scan through everything.
Be seen in public. First date. Refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. Kiss in public. Introduction to family. Update relationship status on social media. Move in together. Engagement. Out-of-town trip together. Wedding. Baby announcement.
“How did you come up with a list like this?” she asks, a hint of amusement in her voice.
“I searched online. There are a lot of relationship progression charts with healthy evolutions, like how long to wait before introducing each other to our families. But obviously, our timeline is going to look a little different.”
Remmy’s just watching me with a smile on her face.
“Obviously,” she says, handing the notebook back.
“Some of this stuff is more time-sensitive than others,” I continue. “You have to decide how much of our relationship you want to happen before you start showing. How far along are you?”
Remmy’s smile falls away and she tilts her head back, letting out a long sigh as she stares at the ceiling. “Around three months.”
I nod. “So you’ll start showing in the next month or two, right?”
Remmy doesn’t answer me. Her shoulders rise and fall as she takes deep breaths, her eyes closed, her entire body looking uncomfortably tense.
“Are you okay?” I ask. “You look…”
Suddenly, Remmy bursts into tears, her hands rising to her face to cover her eyes as she cries.
I feel frozen. Literally incapacitated.
The only woman’s tears I’ve ever had to deal with were Ivy’s, and she’s a kid who can usually be calmed with ice cream or a new toy orsomething.
I don’t know what kind of something I can give Remmy to help with these kinds of tears, or even what caused them in the first place.
“I didn’t ever think I’d be pregnant,” she finally says, her voice wobbling as she chokes through her tears. “I didn’t think I’d ever have a…a family, any kids. I just…I don’t understand why I’m crying right now, but all I can think about is the fact that I’m three months pregnant and I never thought this would happen to me.”
I sit quietly by her side as she cries, equal parts wishing I could be anywhere else but here and wanting to do something to help her feel better.
“I know I can’t fix how you feel,” I say, my voice soft, my eyes fixed on my own hands. “And I’m sure some of how you feel is just hormonal.”
Her head turns in my direction and she glares, her eyes morphing from overwhelmed to deadly in a split second.
I raise my hands.
“But I’m also sure you’re scared and unsure and nervous. I just want to take a second to remind you that…” I lick my lips, knowing the next words I say are deeper than I planned to get with Remmy but knowing still that it’s the right thing to say. “You’re not going to be alone.”
Her face scrunches up as more tears assault her.
“You’ll worry and feel anxious sometimes, and other times you’ll cry and not understand why because your body will be filled to the brim with more than you can handle or understand. But you won’t be alone when you feel those things. I’ll be there, too.”
Remmy continues to cry, her body racked with sobs I’m not sure she understands. But she tilts to the side and leans toward me, and I take the invitation for what it is, scooting forward and bringing her in to lean against me.
As she shakes and cries in my arms, I have a sudden and very stark realization that I may need to rethink this whole thing.
Ever since that first day when I suggested this idea to Remmy, I’ve had a vision in my head of what our marriage would look like if I planned it out perfectly, but maybe I’ll have to let that idea go. Maybe my grand plan isn’t going to fall into place as neatly or seamlessly as I thought it would.
But that’s okay. I have a mind that can adjust under pressure. I can take Remmy, snuggled into my arms right now, and figure out a way to make all of this work. For both of us. So I continue to hold her. I lift my hand and stroke my fingers through her hair, telling her it will be okay and she can cry as much as she wants to.
