Page 108 of Give My Everything
Ben nods, and I feel like he gets it. Even if he doesn’t approve, he gets where I’m coming from. So I continue.
“After we opened the relationship, I had a short fucking spree until I cooled off. I realized the issue wasn’t that I wanted to sleep with everyone, but that I didn’t want to feel like my body was beholden to one other person. Unfortunately, the damage was done at my school and this bitch of an RA gave me that award because I slept with her boyfriend.”
I wrinkle my nose.
“By the way, it issofucked up that women attack other women when their boyfriends cheat. Like, it isnotmy fault that your man wanted to be with someone else. Why should I take all the blame?”
Ben chuckles under his breath.
“Anyway, when I started at my new school, my advisor suggested I talk to a therapist, so I went there and started to deal with some of the trauma I’d experienced from my rape. But then…”
I bite the inside of my cheek, my nose starting to sting with emotions and unshed tears.
“I slept with him. He was a good guy and I twisted things around until he wanted me, because talking about my problems made me feel horrible and I just wanted it to go away and the only coping mechanism I had was sex. I spiraled out again until I found a female therapist during my last year that helped me realize that by sleeping with everyone just because I could, I was still letting someone else control my body, just a different part—my mind, my heart, my emotions—and I didn’t want that anymore. I wanted to be in control of things myself.”
“Absolutely.”
I get up from the table and go over to where I see a box of tissues in the living room, plucking out a few and returning to sit in front of Ben.
“I’d been working really hard on things but wanted to wait until I felt like I was really improving before I shared anything with Lucas. And the longer I waited, the more I felt him pulling away, and the more I wanted to pull away as well. We stopped talking, barely shared any information, saw each other rarely. For all intents and purposes, we weren’t dating anymore.”
“And then Lennon moved back.”
I nod. “And then Lennon moved back. I could feel that everything was changing between us, but the stubborn part of me couldn’t imagine letting him go. He was what I thought I wanted, so I held on even though I knew it wasn’t right anymore.”
I dab the tissue under my right eye, catching a single tear before it falls.
“I thought maybe if I let the two of them fizzle out, we could work after, but I was just kidding myself. Sometimes, it’s easier to avoid and pretend than actually face the things that are going to rip you to shreds, you know? And Lucas and I breaking up wasn’t something I was prepared for.”
“So what made you decide to actually finally break up?” Ben asks, his head tilted to the side, his brow furrowed. Not judging, just watching.
“When I came back from our trip to Colombia in May and found out I was pregnant, I knew it wouldn’t be fair to him to try to keep us together. Knowing Lucas, he would have tried to take responsibility for the kid. I returned to Hermosa to talk to him, and I knew…I could just feel it. What was going on with him and Lennon was serious, and I could never steal his entire life from him like that. I couldn’t…be the person who made him feel obligated to help me. He’d already been that man for me enough times.”
I see Ben’s eyes moving rapidly across my face and then he sits up straight.
“You got pregnant on a trip to Colombia?”
I swallow awkwardly, feeling my throat begin to close in on itself, wondering if I can tell him the next part. I take in a deep breath and then let it out.
“The man who raped me when I was fifteen is the son of one of my grandfather’s friends. Victor. He raped me again, but this time, he didn’t even have to drug me. I was terrified and my entire body shut down. I told him no, but I didn’t try to get away. I didn’t fight. I just lay there, trying to be anywhere else but where I was.”
I pause, my stomach turning over as I consider my next words.
“This baby was conceived because of a rape, and now I don’t know how to feel because…not being able to fight him made me feel weak and worthless. But if Ihadfought him, I wouldn’t be pregnant now.”
I look up at Ben and wipe my tears away. Then my hands wrap protectively around my stomach
“Even though I never wanted to be pregnant, I can’t imagine my life without this baby now, and I haven’t even met it yet.”
CHAPTER19
BEN
I’ve never understood those people who go to the movies and come out with wide eyes and their minds completely blown. When I was in high school, I went to seeAvatarwith my brother and a few of his friends. The cinematography was phenomenal, the creation of a new world absolutely breathtaking. We loved it.
But they talked about it for weeks. Every time I saw them around, it felt like they were focused on how ‘mind-blowing’ that movie was, and I just wanted to hit them over the head. It didn’t make sense to me.
That kind of thing doesn’t happen to me. I’m not one for surprises or strange emotions because of something crazy and new. It takes a lot for me to have my mind blown by something, probably because I’m an incredibly deliberate person. I think things through more than others, so I’m usually prepared. Rarely am I surprised.
