Page 107 of Give My Everything
“I get to go first this time.”
I roll my eyes.
After our last questions, we took a break. Ate some ice cream before dinner and then wrapped up with the pizza.
“Alright, fine. I guess that’s fair.”
He grins at me and takes another bite of the pizza he has been cutting up with a fork and knife—which I told him was serial killer behavior—as he decides what he wants to ask.
“Why did you and Lucas really break up? And I don’t want a glossed-over answer. I want the full story, from the beginning to the end.”
I let my head fall forward and rest my eyes on the heels of my palms. “I don’t want to talk about Lucas,” I say, still reeling from our conversation outside the hospital.
Ben just sits silently and I lean backward, crossing my arms with a sigh.
“This definitely isn’t a fun game of twenty questions, huh? Instead it’slet’s ask every deep, emotionally draining question in the world.”
Ben grins but continues to watch me. I groan, knowing I should just get it all out there.
The honest version.
“Okay, if you want the beginning, I’ll give you the beginning. When I first met Lucas, it was right after we moved to town and I was immediately smitten.”
I reach out and play with the paper towel that’s wadded up on my plate, thinking back to the moment I first saw him, when he was hanging out at school with Paige and Wyatt and Lennon—the perfect little foursome.
“Even then, I’m pretty sure his favorite person was Lennon. They were together a lot, but as we got older, he started spending more time with Wyatt and the other guys. Paige always made sure to include me in stuff with her and Lennon, until we moved to Colombia for a few months when I was fifteen.”
I pause, wondering how detailed I want to be.
“I loved it there. I didn’t realize it at the time, but my parents were going through a divorce conversation, so my mom wanted to spend time with her parents and siblings. She left and took me and Dominic with her. Mati stayed with my dad. It was amazing and I got to use my Spanish all the time at my grandfather’s estate and whenever I went into the city. Medellín and Colombia became a part of my soul. I loved that summer.”
I rip my paper towel in half.
“Until I was raped. After that, I wanted to go home. Thankfully, my parents reconciled and we left a few weeks later. Moved home, got resettled. But I wasn’t the same, and something inside me knew it would change everything.”
Ben sits completely still across from me, listening to my every word with rapturous attention.
“Lucas and I started dating. We broke up and got back together a few times, usually because of me.” I shake my head. “I didn’t want to be responsible to anyone but myself, but Lucas was what I wanted, even if he wasn’t what I needed. So I dated him because he was good and kind and caring and I loved him. But I slept with other boys because, to me, that meant I was in control of my body and could do with it whatever I wanted.”
Sighing, I lean to the side and rest my head in my hand, wondering what Ben could be thinking of me right now, how he sees me after finding out who I really am.
“We broke up when he found out I was cheating on him but got back together when I explained how I felt…when I told him the truth, about my rape and how I was having trouble managing the feelings in my body. So Lucas helped me manage it by having sex with me whenever I wanted it but never expecting it from me when I didn’t.”
Ben’s lips tip up at that, and I can’t help but smile, too.
“It sounds great from a guy’s perspective, I’m sure, but Lucas wasn’t a crazy sexual person. Maybe that was because we never really had the chemistry, or maybe it’s because he just wasn’t that guy, but sometimes, I know I pushed when I shouldn’t have. Then I left for college and everything changed.”
“You didn’t have him around anymore.”
I shake my head.
“I didn’t. I did want him around, but it was unrealistic. The idea of not enjoying myself because my body belonged to someone else was just…too much at the time. I hadn’t worked through anything, hadn’t been to therapy or talked to anyone but Lucas about my past. I called him after I’d slept with a few guys and he came to see me at school and we talked about it. That’s when we decided on an open relationship.”
“Did Lucas ever want that?”
I shake my head again.
“Of course not. He’s one of those crazy loyal, caring guys who could probably sleep with one woman his entire life and be set. But that’s just not me. I want to do what I want to do with my own body. It doesn’t belong to anyone but myself.”
