Page 9 of Give My Everything
You have to work hard to keep a man interested, especially when there are so many other beautiful women in the world—other women who can make them laugh harder, who can keep their asses tighter, have bigger boobs, or know how to give better blowjobs.
It was always my fear with Lucas, though I tried not to think about it too often.
I knew the open relationship was what I wanted, knew it served me andmyneeds.
But I was always worried about how it was serving Lucas, too, whether or not the next person would be the reason I lost him.
And I was right.
I did lose him to someone who makes him laugh more, who fits him better.
Maybe it makes me selfish to think about it this way. Shouldn’t I want someone I love to be with the person who fits them the best?
But if I did that, I would end up alone, because the type of broken I am doesn’t fit with anyone.
So I had to be selfish. I had to try to keep him, even though I knew deep down it would never work.
I mean, how could I ever see it working with Lucas when I wasn’t willing to put on the chastity belt for him, no matter how much I wanted us to make it?
No, I wanted to allow myself the freedom to enjoy my body when and where I wanted to, with Lucas or without.
I’m the only one who gets to control my body.
“You’re not planning to wear thattonightare you?” my mother asks, almost like she’s just considering this for the first time even though I’ve been moving around my room in it for the past few minutes.
I sigh, knowing I don’t have the energy to get into an argument with her today, especially not over something so useless.
“No. I was just trying it on. I was thinking about wearing the green Valentino, the floral one I got in—”
“Rome, yes, I remember. I love that dress on you. Good,” she says, giving me a nod of approval. “Your father and I are leaving straight from the club to go to LAX,” she tacks on, “so you and Dominic will need to ride separately.”
I cross my arms. “What about Mati?” I ask, referring to the younger of my two brothers. Dom and Mati are both a few years older than me.
“Mathias already had plans tonight,” she replies, her form sashaying across the room, heading for the door. “We’re leaving at seven on the dot. Don’t be late.”
And then she’s gone, taking with her the swirl of motherly overbearingness she brought in when she came into my room.
I love my mom—I truly do—but she’s the most controlling person I’ve ever met, and she bases all her opinions on how ‘the family’ is supposed to behave.
It’s why she was so vocal when I decided what college I was going to and told them I was going to move out. Thankfully, my dad was my supporter, reminding my mom that the younger generations see things differently than her, that we want more freedom and independence.
“Too much freedom and she’ll forget where she came from,” my mom said, but she relented eventually, allowing me to move away to college even though I know she took it as a personal offense.
I hate how controlling she is, how she wants to dictate everything in my life. It drives me insane.
And it makes me want to show up to dinner tonight in the black Gucci instead of the green Valentino.
But I won’t.
Not because I wouldn’t dare do it, but because I know this isn’t the time.
Sure, I may be the rebellious one of the three of us. Dominic is the one who toes the family line without complaint. Mathias—Mati—is the one who has a job with the family company but only shows up when he has to. A playboy without question, but at least he plays by my parents’ rules.
I’m the one who fought her way out of the stifling straightjacket of a life they’d planned for me, and I did so kicking and screaming. I’d rather be on my own and fail spectacularly than follow quietly in their carefully crafted wake.
And look at me now.
I’m exactly what Ben said I am: an unwanted single mother who came home with a broken relationship, an unnamed father, a worthless degree—though my parents don’t know that just yet—and no true goals for my future.
