Page 89 of Give My Everything
The nurse nods as she goes around the room, pulling out a paper dress for me to wear and setting up the little bed with stirrups.
“Dr. Quinn wants to do both today since you’re a new patient and you’re further along. It’s just to be safe and get our own good picture of how baby is doing, okay?”
I giggle. “Dr. Quinn?”
I look back and forth between Ben and the nurse. Neither of them look like they know what I’m talking about.
“LikeDr. Quinn, Medicine Woman?” No reaction. “It was a show with…never mind.” I wave my hands to brush the moment away.
Clearly I’ll have to enjoy that little tidbit alone.
We go through the appointment at a steady pace. The meeting with Dr. Quinn begins well, even if she gives me a slight reprimand for letting so much time go by between my first appointment and seeing her.
We talk about my body, the morning sickness, my sore breasts, and what feels like a bucketload of topics about the birth.
The longer we speak, the more overwhelmed I get, the more I realize I don’t know anything. I started reading that book Lucas got me, but I’ve really only been reading about how the baby has been growing as it happens.
I haven’t read about what’s happening to my body, thought about what kind of birthing environment I’ll want, paid attention to what I should be eating.
I don’t even realize it, but at one point, I feel a hand on my back, rubbing in slow circles.
Looking to my right, I see Ben standing next to me, his eyes warm but filled with concern.
“Are you okay?”
Dr. Quinn’s question has me wanting to shrink into myself. I don’t want her to see that I’m an emotional wreck.
“It’s okay if you’re not, you know. Lots of women come in here and cry their big beautiful hearts out because they’re feeling a little maxed out, a little overwhelmed by how big and scary this experience is. It’s totally normal.”
A single tear drops and I bat it away.
“It is?”
She nods.
“But…what if I do everything wrong?” I ask, not caring that I have an incredibly intelligent doctor and a probably very stunned man watching me begin to blubber. The dam breaks and tears pour forth at will. “I wasn’t ready for this. I…I don’t…know what I’m doing.”
Ben’s hand stays warm on my back, a silent sign of support, as his other reaches up and massages my shoulder.
Dr. Quinn leans forward and takes my hand between both of hers.
“I promise you…one hundred percent promise you…that every first-time mother feels this way. Even the ones who have been working hard to get pregnant, who have always known it was what they wanted—they’re scared, too.”
I wipe my eyes with my free hand.
“Why do people put themselves through this if it’s so terrifying?” I say, letting out a half-cry, half-laugh that brings a smile to Dr. Quinn’s face.
“It’s a good thing that you’re nervous, Remmy. It means you care. If you came in the door smoking a cigarette and not caring about anything I have to say,that’swhen I would be worried—for youandthe baby.”
I take a deep breath, her words helping me feel a little more stable, even if I do still feel like I’m balancing precariously.
Getting up, I walk over to the box of tissues on a shelf in the corner. Dry my eyes. Blow my nose. Check my face in the mirror above the sink and make sure my makeup isn’t a disaster.
“Alright,” I say, feeling a lot calmer when I turn around to face them both. “Let’s see the little swimmie.”
Dr. Quinn smiles. “I’ll grab Jessica and we can get started on your ultrasound, alright?” She pats her hand on the seat I just vacated. “Because you’re still in the first trimester, we’re going to do a transvaginal ultrasound today, so get undressed from the waist down and hop up here. Jessica will help you get your feet into the stirrups and will talk you through the process.”
I nod, remembering how uncomfortable it was the first time.
