Page 109 of Be Your Anything
“I know,” she interrupts. “Iknow.”
“So then why do you feel that way if you know it isn’t true? If you know I only ever wanted to care about you and make things work?”
Hearing her talk like this, like she thought I saw her as a burden or dead weight I had to carry around, it makes me feel absolutely horrible. Like, what kind of boyfriend makes his girlfriend feel that way?
“It doesn’t work that way, okay? I can’t help how I feel, Lucas, just like you can’t help howyoufeel.” She pauses. “Originally, when I decided to move home, I was hoping—foolishly—that even if I told you about the baby and the fact that it isn’t yours, maybe you’d want it anyway. I hoped we could take the bumbling strangeness of our relationship’s past and build a new future together, hoped I’d be able to move in with you and you’d forgive me and we could move on, just like we always do.”
I don’t tell her I considered it. For a split second, the idea that Remmy would have to face this on her own…it killed me.
But it never would have worked.
And I’m thankful Remmy knows that, too.
“It wasn’t until I got here that I realized how unfair that would be. You’ve always been the one to save me, to forgive me, to help me clean up the mess, but that shouldn’t have to be your responsibility.”
I don’t know what to say, so I stay silent.
“And then I got here and I realized…” She sucks in a breath. “I realized you were already beginning that new future, but in your blind loyalty to me, you would never end things. I knew you’d never decide we should move on from each other so you could go and be truly happy…with someone else.”
I choke out an awkward laugh, a pained thing that gets stuck in my throat. “God, this is horrible,” I say.
She nods, tears streaming down her face. “I know it is, but you should be able to be in a relationship with someone youlove, Lucas, not just someone you want to take care of. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for yourself is cut the dead weight.” She reaches out and places a hand on my cheek. “And I think I’ve been weighing you down for a long time.”
Remmy and I sit in silence together for quite a while, neither of us knowing how to end the evening but also taking in the quiet comfort of each other one last time.
When I finally do take her home, I walk her up to the door, take her by the hand, and give it a squeeze.
“I’m here for you, Rem,” I say, still caring about her, still wanting her to be happy. I know what she has crawled through in life to get to this point, know the big mountain she’s about to face on her own.
She gives me a pained smile, her eyes filled with tears. Then she steps into me and gives me a soft, gentle kiss on the lips, the wetness from her eyes finally falling and soaking into my cheeks.
She pulls back, looking at me as if it might be the last time she sees me.
“Goodbye, Lucas.”
And then she spins around and goes inside.
CHAPTER23
LENNON
I stand off to the side of my mother’s desk as she signs another handful of documents that need her approval, just watching as her signature flies gracefully over each line.
She always seems so put together. Never in need of anyone else. Emotionally stable in a way I’ve never been able to master.
It’s been a long time since I’ve wanted to talk to her about personal problems, most of my fears and emotions getting sorted through in conversations with girlfriends and handled on my own.
But now, watching her sit there, I wonder if maybe I should talk to her about Lucas, about what happened with dad.
“I can feel you over there, thinking,” she says, catching me off guard. Then she looks up and finds my eyes. “Get it off your chest.”
Her reaction to me is a reminder of why I stopped talking to my mom about emotional stuff when I was in junior high. She doesn’t have the ability to empathize, to understand me or where I’m coming from.
I glance down at my fingernails, wishing I’d taken the time to go to the spa this week, and then my mother speaks.
“Don’t pick at your nails,” she says.
Without warning, my emotions flood to the surface, all my anger and irritation at everyone in my life coming up like a surge.
