Page 105 of Be Your Anything
My real fear is having to explain why, for nearly her entire life, we all lied to her about the fact that we’re related.
Was it my fault? No. Was I a part of the lie? Absolutely, and that makes me complicit in the active choice to deceive her. Or, I guess, theattemptto deceive her, since it seems like Ivy’s known for quite some time that she and I share the same father.
“…listening to me?”
My eyes flick over to Remmy. “Huh?”
She sighs, taps a manicured fingernail against the linen on the patio table.
“I’m sorry, Rem. You were talking about your brothers.”
She stays silent for a minute, her eyes assessing me.
“You’ve been distracted,” she says, her voice taking on this tone I’m not familiar with. “I felt it when I was visiting over the Fourth, and it’s been the same today. I thought you’d be happy I was coming home, but now…I just get the feeling that something’s different. Something’s…I don’t know.”
I tense, my shoulders bunching slightly. I didn’t realize my distraction was so noticeable. Truthfully, I only noticed itmyselfjust last night. How distracted I’ve been.
Remmy and I went to dinner at Bennie’s at the Pier, one of my favorite restaurants and the place Hannah works. It wasn’t until I dropped Remmy off at her house and drove home that I realized I couldn’t remember most of what we talked about, my mind having been bounding around from topic to topic.
Remmy being home. My last night with Lennon. My conversation with Paige. My relationship with Ivy. My brunch chat with mom. My distractions from surfing. My time with Hannah. My argument with Otto. Concerns about Wyatt and London.
It felt like a never-ending list of people I was letting down, and it kept me up late.
“Remmy,” I say, gearing up to deny that I’ve been distracted, to tell her how happy I am that she’s back.
But I can’t.
I can’t look her in the face and lie to her.
Because even though I’m happy forherthat she’s back, I don’t really know how I feel about it forme.
So instead of telling her what I think she wants to hear, I decide to go with the truth.
“Okay, honestly? I have been a little distracted. I have a lot going on in my life right now.” I sigh. “And of course I’m glad you’re back if you think being back in Hermosa is what’s best for you, but you have to give me time to adjust, okay?” I shake my head. “You show up unannounced and then just drop this bomb on me, something that impacts both of us and that we haven’t talked about at all—”
“So youdidn’twant me to move back,” she says, and I can see a sheen of tears in her eyes.
Her emotions make me angry. Not because they aren’t justified, but because I’m emotional, too. I’malsooverwhelmed and upset and confused.
“Dammit, Remmy. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying everything about our relationship has been what you’ve dictated, the choices you’ve made, and I’ve always been left to just accept what you decided. It was always go along with it or break up, and I have to be honest, I don’t know if I can continue that kind of relationship anymore.”
Her breath hitches. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that, moving forward, we make decisionstogether.We talk to each other. I think that’s fair considering everything I’ve had to deal with, everything I’ve had to put up with over the past eight years.”
Remmy’s jaw twists and I watch as she tries to get her emotions under control. She gathers up her long, thick mane of nearly black hair and pulls it over one shoulder. Then she begins to braid it, something she’s always done when she’s nervous.
“You make it sound like you were on the hook for something, like you were here jerking off alone while I was enjoying myself.” Her words are tense, and I know she’s speaking from a place of both anger and pain. “But you weren’t hurting for companionship. You got yourself a little mistress.”
“I’ve slept with four people, Remmy. Ever. You, two girls right after you said you wanted an open relationship because I felt like I had something to prove, and Lennon. You don’t get to pull that card out and flash it in my face like I did something wrong. I didn’t.”
Her eyes connect with mine, and I see them fill with tears. “You don’t call falling for someone else doing something wrong?”
It feels like I’ve been slugged in the stomach. What she’s saying…it’s not true. I haven’t…fallenfor anyone.
“I’m committed to this relationship, Remmy. I told you five years ago, when I visited you at school… You said you wanted an open relationship because it made you feel like you had more control over your body, and I told you I would do what it took to make it work.”
She shakes her head, gives me a pained smile. “You know, I’ve always loved you for that, for how willing you were to let me do what I needed to because of…what happened to me.” Remmy brushes a stray tear away. “But maybe what I needed was for you to tell me no, to tell me you wanted me to only be with you.”
