Page 95 of Be Your Anything
“Lennon, wait.”
Lucas catches up with me as I’m flagging down the valet.
The young man nods at me then hustles off to grab my car, and I’m forced to wait and listen to Lucas until he gets back.
“I didn’t mean for everything to happen like this, okay? God, I keep fucking things up.”
“Lower your voice,” I hiss, fully aware of the eyes watching us—from inside, from the valet, from the staff.
“Please don’t be upset,” he says, his voice dropping as he steps closer. “I mean…we always knew, didn’t we? That this was temporary?”
Biting down on the inside of my cheek, I will myself not to cry, but I can still feel that little sting in the corners of my eyes that tells me I don’t have long before my emotion fills me up to the brim and then pours out involuntarily.
I can’t let that happen here.
“I was going to tell you. I promise. I just…I didn’t want to not see you today. I wanted to spend a little more time with you.”
“You wanted tofuckme a few more times, you mean.”
I make the mistake of glancing up at Lucas, where he towers over me, and see the absolutely horrified look on his face. It’s only a small bit of relief in the wake of this conversation, but I’ll take it.
“No. God, no, Lennon. I care about you so much. Truly. And I…” He shakes his head, his hands coming up behind his neck. “You’re important to me and I wasn’t ready to let you go.”
The valet returns, my MINI Cooper pulling up in front of us. I take that as my cue, turning to look at Lucas head-on, knowing the next time I see him, everything between us will be different.
I can’t help it—my heart breaks. Right here between us, it shatters into a million pieces.
“You know, there was a time when I truly thought I could be anything you needed. That if I gave you enough of myself, you’d know that the two of us together could be something really, really good. But I don’twantto be your anything. I want to be youreverything.”
I step forward, placing a hand on his cheek, my thumb stroking along the stubble I love so much. I hate it, but a single tear falls down my cheek, streaking quickly down my neck.
“And I don’t think that’s ever going to happen, so…maybe this is for the best.”
His shoulders fall as I pull my hand away, but he doesn’t follow me as I round the back of my car and take the key from the valet. He doesn’t say anything as I climb into the front seat and turn the car on, buckle myself in, and he doesn’t stop me as I drive off, away from him.
Really, that’s all I need to know.
I don’t go home, even though that was my original intention.
At first, it sounded good to go back to my house and crawl into the shower, let the hot water beat down on me.
But today, I find myself eager to get away. So instead of following the road that pretty much dead-ends at my house, I hop on the PCH and take it south, following the long stretches of road along the ocean and then driving through the homes in Pacific Palisades. I stop to get a coffee and then park at a lookout, just enjoying the view of the ocean I used to miss so much when I was at Brown.
The university was on the cusp of the Providence River, and everyone used to talk about how it was ‘on the water’. I always scoffed in my head, fighting to not let my eyes roll on instinct.
No offense to them, butthisis ‘on the water’.
The ocean stretches wide, a panoramic vision, daunting in its grandeur. The sky is a vibrant orange as the sun dips low in the sky, preparing for a final descent into night.
I missed this so much when I was gone, wondered how I was going to get by with the freezing Atlantic and the winter weather.
Now, I wonder if I ever should have come back in the first place.
“Hey it’s Paige, leave a message and I’ll get back to you whenever the hell I feel like it.”
“Paige. It’s me. I just…” My throat closes up and tears threaten again. “I need you. Call me.”
Hanging up the phone, I allow myself a few more minutes to watch the sunset.
