Page 65 of Be Your Anything
With Remmy occupied, I return my attention to the water in the distance.
When I planned to throw this party…well, I guess I can’t really call it apartysince there’s only a handful of people here…
When I planned to throw thisget-together,I envisioned something a little bit different, something that felt more like a family day at the beach.
It wasn’t until the reality of the day was upon me that I realized I wasn’t fully prepared.
The Fourth of July in Hermosa Beach is, by far, one of the rowdiest, most insane days of the year. Nearly every house on The Strand is packed with partygoers, the actual path between the homes and the sand is slammed with people on bikes and rollerblades, and parties spill from patios onto The Strand and then over the small wall dividing it from the beach. Competing music is thumping everywhere, the sand littered with people and blankets and coolers of liquor which will make way for actual litter as people scatter to get ready for their evening events and the fireworks at the pier.
Normally, I’m too busy hosting the biggest event in town. There are usually hundreds of people crammed into my house, music blasting, drinks and other fun things abundant, cops swinging through, girls in bikinis, and me holding court, drinking the day away, getting a bit more of a tan and enjoying the feeling of being surrounded by a mixture of strangers and friends.
Today has been quite the education in what it’s like to be on the other end of the spectrum, the personnothosting the party. It hasn’t been that bad, per se, but there have been a lot of weird moments.
Like asking uninvited guests to leave, as plenty of locals didn’t realize I wasn’t hosting an event this year.
Or how strangely Remmy and Hannah have been interacting with each other, like cats circling with their hackles raised.
And then there’s Lennon, which is by far the most difficult factor for me to handle.
I’ve been watching her as surreptitiously as possible, and I notice she’s been watching Remmy in the same way, a contemplative look on her face. When her eyes connect with mine, she looks away quickly, focusing on anything else.
And that same feeling—that smarmy douchebag feeling—has been resting just at the base of my neck all day as Remmy sits between my legs, gets me drinks, kisses me, and spends the day at my side, while Lennon keeps her distance and mostly clings to Paige.
I don’t like it.
But there isn’t anything I can do about it.
I mean, what am Isupposedto do?
Surely there are some people—like Paige—who would tell me to break up with Remmy because she doesn’t live here and I feel a connection with Lennon.
And I guess, yeah, that’s an option. Maybe.
But the truth is that things aren’t any different now than they were back when we were younger. Lennon’s life is planned out by her family, and a guy like me isn’t in those plans. It’s the reason I never pursued anything, the reason I never went all in with her and why I allowed myself to move on, to focus on Remmy instead.
There’s also something to be said about the long relationship Remmy and I have made it through, the hurdles we’ve faced together that nobody else would understand.
We definitely have secrets from each other, but we also have an extensive history that has been a huge part of our lives, and I don’t want to give that up just because of distance.
As much as I care about Lennon, Ihaveto push those feelings aside.
I sigh.
If only I could convince myself it were possible.
A drink-laden hand comes into view, and I take the new rocks glass of whiskey from Remmy.
She crouches next to me, her mouth coming to my ear. “How about we head up to the Jacuzzi?”
Her voice hints that she wants something intimate, but that’s not in the cards for us today. I just can’t see myself having sex with Lennon yesterday and Remmy today without feeling like I’ve lost a part of myself I’m not willing to lose.
“That sounds great,” I say, giving her a smile. Then I turn to look at the rest of the people hanging out on the beach-level patio. “Who wants to watch the sunset on the roof?”
Most people make noises of positive interest and start moving around, grabbing towels to head up. Remmy’s face looks slightly off, though she turns and heads back into the house and up the stairs before I can say anything to her.
I don’t know what to say, though, so a part of me is thankful she didn’t want to talk about it.
The cowardly part.
