Page 117 of Be Your Anything
“We never talked about that night at Tinsley’s,” he starts. “About what happened, and what happened after. I just think it’s important for you to know, especially now.”
“I don’t see how talking about something that happened so long ago will—”
“Please, Len. I promise it matters.”
I don’t see how this will help, or how this has anything to do with what’s been going on recently, but I give him a nod to go on.
“Do you know why Remmy and I broke up the week before that party?”
“She cheated on you.”
He nods. “Yeah. I caught her having sex with some guy, which pissed me off because she’d told me she wanted to wait so it would be special. I didn’t mind waiting, but why would she go and sleep with someone else?”
I wince. The rumor was she was just making out with that guy in a Jeep parked behind Bennie’s. Now I wonder if she was having sex with him in the car in a trash dumpster alley.
Gross.
“Well, she was really upset when we broke up, and the day after Tinsley’s party, she came by my house to talk to me, to try to explain.” He sighs. “I can’t really get into the details, because I promised her I would never share them with anyone, but she’s been through a lot—alot—and we decided to work past it. I chose to forgive her even though it killed me.”
My mind races with ideas of what Remmy’s been through, what she could have possibly told him that would make him forgive her so quickly.
“I felt really guilty about that night at Tinsley’s. Not because I regretted it, but because I knew I’d chosen to get back together with Remmy after what happened between you and me. Then when I saw you at school that week, you didn’t seem to care at all, so I played it back in my head, and I started to convince myself we’d just been goofing around, like maybe you hadn’t really seemed into me at all or understood that I was interested in you. If I’m completely honest, maybe I was trying to make it easier on myself. Maybe I didn’twantto believe there was interest on your end, because then I wouldn’t feel like such an asshole for staying with Remmy.”
He runs a hand through his hair again, the nervous tick an obvious tell, but then his eyes find mine and I can see the pain there, the regret.
“Or maybe I was just trying to convince myself I wasn’t a coward. I’d been crazy about you since we were kids, and I always believed there would never be a place for me in your life that was anything more than friendship. I was sure you being a Roth meant you were going to end up with some fancy-named guy your family approved of, and choosing Remmy was my way of making sure you never had the chance tonotchoose me.”
My stomach turns over at the knowledge that we had feelings for each other at the same time but neither of us was brave enough to do anything about it.
Before I can allow myself to think about that for too long, Lucas continues.
“I know it’s common knowledge that we had an open relationship when Remmy went to college, and again, I can’t give you all the details. It was a decision we made together, even though it never would have been something I wanted. To be honest, it didn’t really affect me at all. I didn’t really sleep with anyone or feel the need to get laid on a regular basis. I turned that part of my mind off, just pretended—until you came home.”
My heart, which was beating at a steady pace, begins to pick up speed, the thump causing a pulse of blood through my veins and across my body.
“Jesus, Lennon. When you showed up, back in town, I felt like my world had been lit on fire and you were the flame.”
I swallow, wishing I could look away but unable to do anything except watch Lucas’ face. He looks like he’s anguished.
“I couldn’t get enough of you, wanted to be around you all the time, and those games you liked to play? Holy shit. I didn’t know sex could be like that, didn’t know I could feel like that about a person.” He pauses. “But at the same time, I tried not to feel that, as much as I wanted to, because it made me hyperaware of the fact Ididn’tfeel that way about Remmy. It made me realize I never had.”
He scoots forward in his seat, his face, his body language, his heart, everything imploring me to hear his words.
“When Remmy came back the night before the Fourth, I had no idea she was coming, and it was the first time we’d all been together since you and I started something. It just… There was no way I couldn’t see it, but I tried so hard, triedsohard to believe things with Remmy and I would be okay, to believe we would be able to pick up and move forward and put things back together.
“That’s the thing about putting something back together, though. Like a puzzle, you have to have all the pieces, and maybe at some point, years ago, Remmy and I had pieces that fit together, pieces that made sense.” He shakes his head. “But we don’t anymore.”
After a beat, he continues.
“I should have told you she was moving back, but I was afraid. I knew I only had another day with you, maybe two, and the idea that we wouldn’t beustogether anymore, that everything was going to change…it was killing me. Honestly, it was the first real smack to the head that made me realize my feelings for you weren’t as friendly as I’d wanted them to be. How I felt for you had crept back into the deeper space, into that spot only you have ever fit into.”
I wrap my arms around my legs, trying to sink into my chair. The words he’s saying are doing their best to patch up the gaping wound inside my chest, but I still don’t know if it’s enough.
“Remmy knew—about us, how I feel about you. She confronted me about it before she told me about the pregnancy, said she’d had this idea that she would come back and we’d make it work anyway because that’s what we’d always done. But she saw how I looked at you and just knew.”
“Knew what?”
“That I was in love with you—that Iamin love with you.”
