Page 116 of Be Your Anything
“It doesn’t excuse his shit—not at all—but that guy is still in there somewhere, and if he’s looking for an attempt at redemption or forgiveness or a new beginning… I don’t know. I think I’d at least want the information, you know? So I could decide what to do.”
I rest my chin in my hand, running through everything she’s said in my mind.
Do I want to talk to Lucas? No. It feels too fresh, and I can’t imagine there’s anything he could tell me that would make me feel like we could be friends again.
But Paige has a point, about him being the Lucas who held my hand when I was a kid, the one I’ve known my entire life.
“You think about it. I’m gonna go shower,” she says, patting my shoulder and heading out of the room.
I drum my fingers against the black countertop, glancing at my phone and then away. Back at it. Away.
Ultimately, I pick it up and scroll back through the messages I received yesterday, rereading the things Lucas sent to me.
Lucas: I deserved for you to close the door in my face. I know that. But I really want to talk to you. It’s important.
Lucas: I’ve got time. I’ll wait. Whenever you’re ready.
Lucas: And just to be clear, you have never, EVER been a backup plan.
When I open the door the following morning and see Lucas standing there, freshly showered and smelling like the cologne I love so much, I wonder if I made a mistake by giving him a chance to talk to me.
Being around him makes me feel weak, like I don’t have complete control over myself, and it’s something I despise. Not because I mind his strong presence or his masculine nature, and not because it’s a problem to have weakness.
But because somewhere along the way, being near Lucas made me feel small.
“Come in,” I say, stepping out of the way and gesturing for him to step inside.
Lucas gives me a tight smile then steps past me, wandering into my kitchen as if he’s never been here before.
And truthfully, neither of ushavebeen here before. We’ve never been prepared to have a truly honest conversation. To address the girlfriend and the sex and our past…it always felt illicit, like a secret. This version of us that’s willing to talk about it…
Yeah, we’ve never been here before.
He follows my lead, walking behind me into the living room seating area and taking the armchair across from mine. He clears his throat once. Then again.
“Do you want some water?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “No. I’m fine.”
I nod. “Okay. Well then, why don’t you just go ahead and get whatever it is you have to say off your chest.”
A part of me winces at my tone. I’m already on the defensive, the emotions I feel at being near him overriding how I feel and pushing me to try to protect myself.
Because really, there isn’t a chance that we leave today without some raw, gaping wounds being ripped open. Of that I’m certain.
He looks uncomfortable. It always felt like for so long, he held all the power, and a part of me relishes his discomfort, basks in the idea that he’s here to beg me for forgiveness.
“Well…shit, now that I’m here, I feel like everything I want to say isn’t good enough.”
I don’t respond, tucking my legs under me in a crisscross even though I know it isn’t a power position. If I’m going to listen to this, I want to be comfortable. It’s why I wore my favorite pair of fuzzy socks.
“But I guess I’ll start at the very beginning.”
“You mean about the pregnancy?”
Lucas’ eyes get sad, and he gives me a sweet smile that I don’t completely understand. “No. I’m talking about something quite a ways before that.”
He sighs, runs his hand through his hair, and then sits forward, resting his elbows on his knees.
