Page 107 of Be Your Anything
There’s this place in my chest I didn’t know existed before Hannah became a fixture in my life, this little space for sibling affection and care that, frankly, I didn’t realize I wanted or needed to have filled. Somehow, Hannah always seems to pour directly into it when I feel the most empty, the most lost, the most in need.
She’s right. We are family.
And family is supposed to be honest, even when it’s hard.
Sighing, I take a seat on the short retaining wall that creates a small barrier between my patio and The Strand, facing Hannah, my expression serious.
She senses something and shifts on the lounger, sitting up fully and setting her book aside. “What’s wrong?”
I scrape at the stubble on my face that I haven’t shaved off in a few weeks.
Then I just blurt it out.
“Remmy’s pregnant.”
Hannah’s gasp and widened eyes aren’t a surprise to me. I’m sure everyone’s going to react that way when they find out, and they will find out. The question iswhatthey know and how long it takes before the word gets spread around town.
“I wasn’t out there thinking about work. I was out there tonight because…I just needed some time…to think about this.”
“Oh my god,” she says, a hand to her chest. Then she reaches forward and takes my hand in hers. “Are you freaking out? Because I just want you to know I’m here for you, one hundred percent, even if that means changing nasty diapers, okay?”
My nostrils flare and I look away from her, appreciating the sentiment and her willingness to be there for me but hating it at the same time.
“You won’t have to do that.”
Her expression pinches. Then she nods. “Oh…is she going to…you know…”
I shake my head. “No, she’s gonna keep it. I’m just saying…you won’t have to help.” I pause, then finally manage to look her in the eyes. “It’s not mine.”
That look of surprise returns to her face again, but this time, Hannah doesn’t have any words to share, nothing helpful to add. She’s just silent.
“She, uh…said it happened when she went to Colombia with her family back in May,” I tack on, as if that makes any difference. “She doesn’t even know the guy’s name.”
I just sit there, not saying anything, not feeling anything.
Until I feel Hannah’s hand slip into mine.
“I can’t imagine how this is making you feel,” she says, giving my hand a squeeze, “but I can promise you that no matter what youarefeeling…Lucas, none of it is wrong. Whether you’re angry or sad or depressed or…relieved.”
My eyes shoot up to hers, and I see her wince, the pained expression on her face not letting up even after I pin her with an expression that’s as flat as the way I feel.
“Relieved.”
She nods. “One of the boys in my last foster home had a girlfriend cheat on him and get pregnant. He told me he was thankful she’d done it, that it wasn’t him who was on the hook for life for a kid he knew he couldn’t take care of at sixteen.” Her head tilts to the side and her hand tightens in mine. “And he said he knew he didn’t want to be with her forever, so he felt lucky that things ended there, and I just want to tell you it’s okay to feel that, too, Lucas. It’s okay.”
Shaking my head, I tug my hand out of hers. “I don’t know what I feel, Hannah. Maybe nothing. Maybe a million things.” I tilt my head back and look up, wishing the lights of Hermosa Beach and the South Bay weren’t so bright, wishing the city glow didn’t block out the stars.
“I didn’t mean to be insensitive,” she says, and I can hear the wobble in her voice. “I wasn’t… I just wanted you to know—”
“I’m not mad at you, Hannah, alright? I’m just…overwhelmed.”
When I look back, I see she’s tucked her legs into her chest and wrapped her arms around her calves.
It’s that wary look she had when she first got here, and seeing it is a healthy reminder that even as far as Hannah and I have come in our relationship, it takes a lot of work to build back something that’s been broken.
“Hey,” I say, stepping over and crouching in front of her. “Thank you for caring, and for being willing to talk to me about this. Thank you for being willing to say the hard thing.”
She gives me a short nod.
