Page 125 of Promise Me Nothing
I mean, she’sseenthe girls, obviously. The parade of women that have been on my arm at every Calloway Foundation function, the ones that did the walk of shame out of my bedroom in high school.
But this is probably a first.
No, it’s definitely a first.
For me, and my mother.
She considers me for a minute, like she has something to say.
But ultimately, she just points a finger at me, wavering slightly on her feet.
“Calloway men don’t know how to commit to anything but their own self-interest,” she finally says, her expression looking bitter and angry. “Don’t do something stupid.”
And then she stalks off, leaving behind only the scent of her perfume and the bit of vodka she dropped on the floor.
I shake my head, feeling a little confused and a whole lot frustrated at her words since they do nothing but highlight the true conflict that lies in the way of anything serious happening with the girl that’s slowly changing my life.
I lie to myself, pretending like it isn’t a big deal that I’m dating Lucas’ sister behind his back. But it’s something that claws at me. Forces me to keep things from getting further physically.
What I said to Hannah that night at my house last weekend was true. Idoworry that we’re moving too fast for her. The last thing I want is to get too hot and burn out quickly. Or for her to want something I’m willing to give her, and then regret her decision later.
I want her to know, for certain, that moving things forward between us is really what she wants. Hannah knows herself well enough to make that decision on her own. So I guess the trueindecision between us comes from me.
We continue to fool around, though we don’t do anything as public as our date a few weeks ago at Papa Louis’.
Instead, we spend time in the guesthouse, just the two of us. Over the past week, we’ve ordered take out, watched TV, gone on another motorcycle ride. One night, we just read in front of the fireplace, then laid out on the deck and did some stargazing with that app Hannah mentioned to me before.
Spending time with her is magical. And I find myself wanting to promise her the world.
“Promise me nothing,” she’d said to me one night as we snuggled in my bed, our mostly naked bodies wrapped together, our skin warm and flushed from recent orgasms.
“What?”
“I know you’re leaving for London soon,” she’d continued. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to make me any grand promises or… I mean, I don’t know where this is going, between us. And I…”
She’d paused, and I could hear her trying to steer clear of being too emotional.
Hannah had mentioned once to me that she had to try really hard to take people at their word, that too many people used to let her down, would make promises that they couldn’t keep.
So even though I hadn’t liked the idea of her thinking we were going to end any time soon, I knew her request was said as a way to protect herself.
“Hannah, I won’t make any promises to you that I can’t keep, okay?” I’d said.
She hadn’t responded, only snuggling closer into me, pressing her face to my chest.
Now, as I sit at my desk in an office that contains a file with all of her personal information, I think about that night, and wonder if I’ll be able to keep that promise.
Because Hannah is a secret I want to keep just for myself. Someone I want to hold on to, and I can’t seem to get enough of.
But with the news I got a few days ago from Ivy’s doctor that they haven’t found a match yet from the bone marrow registry, I’m feeling a heightened pressure. This intense feeling that we’re just living on borrowed time.
"Are you even listening to me?”
I glance over from where I’ve been watching Hannah walk around the dining room.
I’m at dinner with Ben at his restaurant, one of the first times I’ve come in to eat since things between Hannah and I started to escalate.
Hannah suggested this, actually. We’ve been talking about siblings, the importance of working things out. And I couldn’t help but take her advice.
