Page 70 of Like You Want It
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
FIN
Fucking Noah.
It’s days like today when I wish Noah and I could be normal brothers again. Ones who don’t glare and fume and brood with unresolved anger and disappointment in each other.
Although where he gets off thinking he has any right to be upset with me, I’ll never know.
Taking a drag of my cigarette, I inhale as deep as I can, letting the rush of nicotine hit all of the places I wish it could fix. Then I push it all out in a rush.
I left my parents’ house and drove to a gas station to buy a pack of smokes. I tried to quit when I started taking care of Nell, and I haven’t had more than one or two in the past ten months. But this was a set-off that I just was not prepared to deal with, and I feel like I could swallow an entire pack.
When I saw Noah looking at Carly as she floated in the pool, I felt like a piece of wood that had been given too much pressure, and the strain was starting to crack me at the grain.
I guess old wounds never really heal over.
Finishing off the rest of the butt, singeing my lips just slightly, I flick it out the window, not giving a flying fuck.
Once I come to a stop in front of my parents’ house, I put my SUV in park, and then sit in the dark of the cab, blastingAlice in Chainson the local old school rock station. It blows my mind that music I listened to in junior high and high school is considered old school rock, now.
Ashley’s face comes to mind and I grip the steering wheel tightly, the whites of my knuckles beginning to show.
I try so hard to put shit from the past behind me, to let things go and move on. To not focus on only the negative from when we were younger and made stupid mistakes in life. But today is just a shitty, shitty day, and Noah threw a match into that pile of shit and set it off.
I rest my head on the seat behind me.
I wanted to wring Susie’s neck when I found out she’d invited Carly today. But at the same time, I buzzed inside at the opportunity to spend a day with her.
It pains me to admit it, but I like Carly.
A lot.
She’s kind and beautiful and funny and just this brightness that fills the cracks I didn’t realize I had in my chest.
So the last thing I need is her hanging around all the time. Or for her and Susie to get too close. Orworse,for Susie to catch wind that something is going on between Carly and I.
Having to watch her strut around in the backyard with that gorgeous fucking smile and that tiny little bathing suit has been the absolute worst torture I could imagine. I don’t remember that suit being so tiny on Susie, though obviously my eyes have been glued to Carly in a different way. I’ve tried not to watch her too closely, but I’m fairly sure I failed on all counts.
It would be easier to watch her if she didn’t look at me so often. But I guess it really is a double-edged sword. Because every time our eyes meet, it’s both a thrill and a bother. The latter because I don’t want her to assume it means I want anything more to happen between us. The former because every time our eyes find each other I can’t help but picture the way she looked at me when she came.
I close my eyes. God, was that just last night? I start to get hard just thinking about it. How tight she was around my fingers. Or about those sexy nipples that are so sensitive she nearly came just from me sucking on them.
Fuck.I need to stop thinking about this or I’m gonna walk back into the house hard as a rock. Because goddamn does she turn me on.
I light another smoke and take a long drag, then let my arm dangle out of the window so I can flick the ash.
I feel like I’m losing my mind, like it’s fracturing and splitting into little pieces, each one wanting something different. Carly gone, Carly close, Carly naked, Carly smiling.
I’m not typically so uncertain. I’m a black and white guy who enjoys routine and consistency. You have to be if you’re going to make a career in the military.
But this feeling that she elicits inside of me? That makes me want something else? Something brighter? More spontaneous? Deeper?
I don’t like it. It makes me question the routine, the consistent, the every day. And I can’t afford to question that right now. Not when everything is so fragile.
When she told that story about her mom? Or talked about how her dad sees her? It felt like my feelings for her started to grow roots, taking me from the purely physical interest and starting to spread into my chest. Towards that part of me that shouldn’t be available to beat for anyone. Not again.
I shake off that thought. The ache in my ribcage is probably just heartburn. Focusing on anything else is… too much. A mistake. Something I don’t need or want in my life.
