Page 66 of Like You Want It
That’s how I want to live my life. Focusing on the positive. Sure, I might not know what that next thing is right now. But like I told Caleb, sometimes being lost can be beautiful, too.
I spend a little more time listening to Carol and Peter talk, hoping to hear more about Fin. But after a little while it seems like that topic isn’t on the table.
So I finally take advantage of my dream backyard and dip into the water, fully aware of Fin’s eyes following me as I walk across the patio in my bikini and step into the pool. I debate with the little devil in my soul that tells me to swim around seductively and play coy, ultimately telling that bitch to go back into hiding.
You are not here for Fin.
Okay, so technically that’s not true because I absolutely considered today an opportunity to win him over when I decided to come.
But that doesn’t mean I have to be desperate.
I sink under, holding my breath and floating along the bottom for a few seconds, giving myself some affirmations that I urgently need today.
You are confident.
Your life is wonderful just as it is.
It’s okay for someone to not be interested.
You can still be their friend.
And that does not impact your choice to be happy.
When I finally come up for air, I swim over to where Susie is playing with Nell.
“Do you want to hold her while I grab us another round of Care-Berries?” she asks.
I can’t nod my head fast enough, my hands reaching out to take the little princess.
She squirms as Susie steps out of the pool and grabs a towel. I snuggle her into my side and give her a big smile.
“Hi there,” I say. “I’m Carly.”
She looks up at me with wide, fearful eyes. Suddenly, I’m terrified I’ll drop her and she’ll drown, even though there’s literally a champion swimmer in the pool with me that could prevent it from happening.
She starts crying, and the distress in my face clearly registers with Fin, who steps over and takes Nell out of my proffered hands, tucking her against his chest.
“How are you not scared all the time with her?”
I’ve been wanting to ask Fin this question, mainly because I didn’t want to make Susie think I wonder if she’s truly capable of taking care of her daughter. I figure Fin won’t take offense.
He gives Nell a squeeze. “Iamscared all the time. She’s a human I have to protect and keep alive and teach things to.” He shrugs, looking at me. “But I had a friend in the service who met with me the day I discharged, right before I started taking care of Nell full time. He’djusthad a kid, and the mom didn’t want to be in the picture. I asked him how he did it? He looked me in the eye and told me that if something’s important enough, if you want it bad enough, it won’t matter if you’re scared. You’ll jump in feet first anyway.”
I smile, my heart nearly tripping over itself at how fiercely I can see he loves his niece. “What a beautiful way to see it.”
Susie comes back from the kitchen carrying two new Care-Berries, and the conversation shifts to something a little more fun.
High school pranks gone wrong. Sneaky Susie and her chocolate obsession during high school.
Fin seems to finally take a tentative step out of his shell, sharing stories from the locker room when he was on the swim team at the Academy.
Eventually, I share with them the time my dad caught me dying my hair for the first time.
“Seriously? Blue?”
I nod. “I wanted to be loud and wild and stand out. My mom always supported me in that by buying me bright clothes and letting me listen to loud music. But my dad wanted me to blend in, do things his way, be quiet. After she died, the one person on my side was gone. So on my thirteenth birthday, I bought a box of blue dye from the drugstore when I was on the way home from school. I did it myself.”
“Oh god, your dad must have flipped!”
