Page 56 of Like You Want It
A smack of reality.
In just his body language I can tell.
And I know before he even turns around what he’s going to say to try and make all of this seem like a bad idea.
“Look, Carly…”
He pauses, and I see my opening. The opportunity for me tonotbe the girl that gets left behind. The one that practically begs for attention. And I do what I always do when I’m faced with someone else’s rejection.
“Fin?”
His eyes fly to mine at the sound of my interruption.
I give him a smile, though it takes everything inside of me to fight back the frustration I’m feeling.
“Don’t worry about it. It’s not a big deal.” I cross my arms, realize that looks defensive, then uncross them. “You can totally head home, get some sleep. I’ll see you around whenever.”
He watches me with that flat expression that he has perfected to keep others from knowing what he really feels.
It’s something I wish I could do. Because as much as I’m trying to seem unruffled and relaxed, the ache in my chest is growing.
I feel like I’m just reciting words to a script calledThings Guys Want You to Say After They Come.
It’s okay for you to not want more from me than a blowjob.
I’m not setting any expectations on you.
Prioritize yourself over me.
It’s okay for you to leave.
All I wanted was something quick and meaningless.
Don’t worry about how I feel. I’ll be fine.
Let’s keep this a secret.
But really?
None of those things are true.
Not a one.
So I figure if I push away first. Act like I don’t need him. Don’t want him. Maybe I’ll get away unscathed.
So I swallow down what I actually want to say, and just try to give him the most genuine smile that I can.
Even though my stomach is rolling.
Even though I can’t imagine him leaving after what just happened between us.
Even though I’m sad that my quick assessment that he’d cut me open and then leave me behind came true so quickly.
“Carly…” he starts, and I hold my breath, wondering what’s going to come next.
But he doesn’t say anything else.
I don’t understand what it is about me that causes him to be so uncertain, so floundering. But I don’t think I’m going to figure that out tonight.
