Page 37 of Like You Want It
And then, after high school, she just felt lost. And the only people who made her feel like she could overcome her problems were addicts who introduced her to the same lies that they believed.
That drugs were the only way to feel better.
“And then I met Ephraim,” she says.
Even now, when I know she is going to tell me about the horrible things that happened between them, I can see her eyes light up. She tells me about what it was like for them when they first started dating and it punches me in the stomach.
Because I can see myself in the way she talks, the way I was about Theo when I was young and foolish and willing to let someone use me.
“He made me feel beautiful. He was the first man I slept with. We’d get high together and have a really great time.” Her smile falls. “But you always fall asleep after a high, and when you wake up, things just aren’t the same.”
She was living with him when they didn’t have enough money to pay Ephraim’s dealer. So he offered Susie as payment.
Her eyes glass over as she relives the horror of what she’d been through. “That’s when I realized, it wasn’t me he was in love with. It was the high. And if giving me away meant he’d get it, he was happy to hand me over to whoever would give him what he wanted.” She pauses, squeezes her eyes closed, and tears track down her cheeks. “And I let him do it.”
I want to tell her it isn’t her fault. I want to erase whatever pain she’s reliving as she shares pieces of shame from her past. But she barely takes a break, sharing with me that drugs can mess with your birth control. Apparently this guy didn’t use condoms, so Susie found out she was pregnant not longer after.
She gives me a watery smile through the painful memories. “I have a daughter. Her name is Nell. I named her after my grandmother.” But then her eyes well up and she bursts into tears.
I reach forward and pull her in, not sure it’s the right move, but deciding this is an opportunity when I can provide her comfort.
A few minutes later, she dries her eyes as best as she can, takes another sip of wine, and continues. “I quit cold turkey when I found out I was pregnant. Well, except for some weed here and there to deal with some of the withdrawal. But Ephraim and his dealer started getting into fights about who the baby belonged to. I didn’t want it to belong to either of them. So, one night, I left. I just up and left and stole Ephraim’s car and drove to Fin’s house near the military base. I told him everything, and I started living with him.”
Her fingers skim the couch. “Ephraim never contacted me again. I was seven months along when I went to Fin’s, and Nell was born at eight months, way too early, a preemie. Lots of hospital bills and stress for about four months because she just couldn’t seem to get healthy.
“When it was finally time to take her home, we took her back to Fin’s and he had to leave for a trip within a few days for work. I just… I felt lost and stressed and I couldn’t handle it.”
She pauses, and I can tell that whatever she’s going to tell me next is a secret that has torn her apart since it happened.
“I figured if I could hire someone to take care of her while Fin was gone, everyone would be happy. But I didn’t have any money.”
She twists her fingers together, her eyes focused on the movement.
“So, I sold a bunch of Fin’s stuff on Craigslist and hired a woman to take care of Nell. This really nice woman named June. When I first hired her, I suddenly had all of this free time and couldn’t find a job because no one wants to hire someone with barely any work history and…” she shrugs, her eyes glassing up again. “I gave in to my fear and the belief that drugs could make me feel better. So I went back to using.”
I make a face at that, one of sympathy and heartbreak. I can only imagine how afraid she must have been to give in to her darkest parts.
She starts crying. “I’ve never been more ashamed of myself than when Fin came home from his trip a few weeks later. I was passed out in the bathroom. I’d soiled myself and there was vomit on the floor.” She shakes her head. “I found out later that I’d stolen someone’s car when mine stopped working, crashed it into a house. Fin had to come home early from his trip because June found his contact details and told him I’d stormed through the front door and looked at her like a zombie, covered in scratches and bruises with bare feet, and gone into the bathroom. I was in there for two days before Fin got there.”
She leans back into the couch corner, withdrawing slightly. “Fin didn’t let it slide. He told me I had to face the consequences and put my life back together. So we went together to the people who I’d stolen the car from so I could apologize and face the music. They, understandably, pressed charges. So did the owners of the house I crashed into.”
Her eyes connect with mine, and there’s a lightness there that surprises me. “I’ve had to go to rehab, work on paying restitution, and still have tons of community service left. But I’ve spent most of my life placing blame on other people for why things were shit in my life. And these decisions to do things the right way, to make amends for the horrible things I’ve done… it is the first time in my life that I decided I was in control. I don’t want life to be something that just happens to me anymore.”
“And that’s something you should be soproudof,” I say, putting my hand on her knee. “Soproud.
“You know, I went through all of the healing shit at rehab but this is the first time I’ve felt like I’m finally letting all of itout.”
I nod, reaching over to rub her back.
“I asked Fin what to do so I could get away from the people I’d known, start fresh. So he put me into rehab in Pasadena. And while I was there, he left his job in the military, moved himself and Nell up here, and started over again.”
My eyebrows fly up. “Wow. That’s amazingly generous of him.”
She nods, wiping her face with her shirt. “I’ll never be able to repay him for what he’s done.” Then she looks at me. “You’re sure you wanna still be friends with me? I really do have a fuck ton of baggage.”
I burst into laughter. “Oh Susie Q.” I lean over and hug her. “I amsosure I want to be friends with you. You are amazing.” Then I pull back and look at her face. “And you have some really crazy stories.”
She bursts into laughter, then keeps crying. She takes a moment to herself in the bathroom, washing her face and pulling back her hair.
