Page 35 of Like You Want It
“You can pretend you’re not, but I’ve seen you do it like, at least four times, and those are just when I’m here and fully aware of the fact you’re avoiding me.”
Her head drops slightly, her eyes not meeting mine.
“I brought wine andSt. Elmo’s,” I say when she doesn’t address the elephant chilling on the stairs between us. “Let’s chat, huh?”
I see her give a reserved nod and then trudge the rest of the way up, like she’s heading to her own funeral.
We’re both silent as she uncorks our wine and pours our glasses. I can’t help but notice just how full they are when she’s done. I lift the bottle and see there is barely enough for one more glass.
“Liquid courage?” I ask.
“So you’re one of those people who can’t let other people get away with hiding, I take it?”
I beam at her and raise my glass. “Absolutely! It’s super uncomfortable but makes life so much easier in the long-term if you talk things out instead of dodging them.”
“And you don’t care that I’d much rather us avoid this conversation altogether?”
I shake my head and she sighs, plopping down on the couch and taking a swig from her goblet of adult juice.
“How about you first tell me why you’re avoiding me? Did I say or do something to bother you?”
She shakes her head, but keeps her eyes on her glass.
“Are you mad at me?”
She shakes her head again.
So I decide to be quiet.
My therapist told me that sometimes, I lead too much in conversations. She said it’s important to learn both the value of silence, and the importance that others have a chance to decide what to say.
Because, let’s be honest, not everyone has a brain to mouth function as aggressively overwhelming as mine.
An entire minute goes by. I know because I watch the clock Susie has in the corner instead of watching her. I figure that might make her feel less like an animal in a cage expected to perform.
“I’m just embarrassed. That’s all.”
My eyes fly to hers. “Can you tell me why?”
More silence. But I can see this time on her face that at least she’stryingto figure out what to say.
“Fin mentioned me going to rehab and I had a meltdown.” She shrugs. “I just don’t know you well enough to know what you think of me now. And because I’m still recovering from… some incidents that happened while I was using, I’m just…” She sighs, then looks directly at me. “I’m just a mess of a person and I figured you have your life together and don’t need the drama. And the more time that passed, the more it was all I could think about.”
“Oh girl,” I say, shaking my head and leaning forward to place my hand on hers. “We are all a mess, and no one has their life together. Anyone who makes you feel like you don’t deserve friendship and happiness just because you made some bad choices in your past is a person you should strike from your friend list, immediately.”
She gives me a small smile, her eyes glassing slightly. “I know we hung out after the whole thing on Sunday, but I worried about facing you after you’d had a chance to think about everything. I don’t want you to think I’m just some druggie who is…”
“Nope. I’m cutting you off right there. Snip snip!” I mimic scissors in the air between us with one hand and set my wine glass down on the coffee table with the other. Then I reach forward and take both of her hands in mine, gripping them firmly. “I am all about positivity and self-realization, which I know can make people think I’m into some weirdo, voodoo crystals or something equally as insane, but really, it just means that I believe we have the power to control our lives with our mindsets.”
Susie eyes me warily, a look I get from a lot of people when I start spouting the positivity and self-realization mantra.
I wave my hand in front of my face. “Okay, ignore what I just said. Using those words always freaks people out.” I tap her legs. “Put down your wine and come with me.”
“What are we doing?”
Taking her by the hand, I lead her over to an open expanse of carpet, where we both sit down. “Cross your legs and rest your palms on your knees.”
She follows my instructions, albeit without a huge amount of enthusiasm. But that doesn’t get me down. I’m so sure that this will help her, so I ignore her obvious skepticism. Susie may struggle with this as a concept, but I can see that her heart is open to positive energy and encouragement. That’s all I need.
