Page 134 of Like You Want It
“I know you and I don’t see eye-to-eye on everything. It’s to be expected when you’re just like your mother. All of her best qualities. But when you said that, it felt like I’d been socked in the chest.”
“I’m sorry, dad.”
“No. It was a good thing, Carly. I tried to think back over past conversations. Things I’ve said to you. About anything. Your choices, your life, your clothes, your friends. And I can’t…” he pauses, swallows, takes a deep breath. “I can’t remember the last thing I said to you that was something a good dad would say to their daughter.”
He turns to look at me, tears streaming down his cheeks.
“Or maybe, I was trying so hard to be a good father that I never really thought about the fact that the type of dad you needed might be was different than the type of dad I wanted to be. And I’m so sorry. That I haven’t been that for you in… I don’t know how long. That I haven’t been there for you. I think I was just so afraid of letting down your mom when I became a single parent, that I didn’t think about how much I might be letting you down instead.”
My heart pitches, tumbles, falls onto the floor between us. In no way did I ever imagine a conversation like this happening. Not in my wildest dreams did I think my dad would ever apologize, let alone actually mean it.
And it means everything.
It’s been a long road, feeling like the eternal disappointment. Believing that our little family of three would never be the same. The only thing I’ve never doubted was how much my father loved my mother. Regardless of how often they may have argued.
But sitting here, having him acknowledge where he may have failed, I believe that our family can come back from this. That we can be happy and healthy together again.
I lean across the seat and wrap my arms around him, pulling him into a hug, letting my own tears fall.
“Thank you, daddy.”
«««« »»»»
I’m putting the finishing touches on one of fifty cards that I’ve made so far for my Etsy shop when there’s a knock on my door.
And when I open it, I’m surprised to see Fin. At least, I assume it’s Fin. It looks just like him, but I’m a little taken back by the smile on his face.
It’s nothing crazy, but it’s there. A tiny upturn on his lips.
“Hey,” I say, leaning against the door, my hands resting on the knobs on each side. “Is everything okay?”
He nods his head. “Yeah. Can I come in? I want to talk to you.”
I look behind me, then back at him. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
His brow furrows. “Why?”
“Because. I don’t want a strictly sexual relationship. And if that’s all you’re here for, I’d rather just tell you no.”
“I promise I’m not here for that, I just…” he rubs a hand over his face. “I miss you, and I’d like to talk to you.”
I tilt my head to the side, considering. I should be jumping for joy. But it’s been nearly a month since the last time I saw Fin, and I don’t know how I feel about it.
Warily, because I know my heart is still a bit bruised, I step back and open the door wider.
Fin nods a thank you and steps in, his body overwhelming the space as if he’d never left it.
He takes a seat on the couch and I follow in his wake. Even though I still ache at the way we ended things, even though it pains me every time I see him – and I have seen him, plenty with Susie and Nell, though usually from a distance – my heart has a hard time knowing what to do in this moment.
I don’t know what he’s here for or why, and I can’t come to any conclusions. But what he said at the door, that he misses me? I can’t help but let myself hope, even if he doesn’t deserve it.
Even though it makes me feel weak.
I guess that’s the thing about being optimistic. Sometimes, your natural inclination to believe the best in others will bite you in the ass, or make you behave in ways that are in direct opposition to your own best interests.
Because that’s how I feel right now. With that little flutter of hope in my chest. With that little piece of myself that wants happiness and healthfulness for Fin.
“First, I guess I just want to get something out of the way, and that’s to tell you something that you might not believe if I don’t give you a chance to really think it over. I haven’t slept with anyone but you since I met you five months ago.”
