Page 131 of Like You Want It
I married a manipulator.
I let down my family.
I’m still upset about a baby that wasn’t real.
I fucked things up with Carly.
I write and write, the list growing and growing until I have five pages.
Fivefuckingpages, front and back, of all of the reasons I’m angry at myself. The ways I’ve let myself down. Over a decade’s worth of disappointment and frustration. Things as far back as high school. Things from my family, work, marriage, relationships, school.
I read it over again once I’m done, shaking my head. Because until seeing it all laid out in front of me, I never would have believed the type of resentment I have for myself.
So I pick up the phone and call Dr. Takahashi. Because writing down this list just made me more upset. And I can’t imagine that was the purpose.
“It’s good to hear from you, Fin,” he says when he calls me back an hour later. “What can I do for you?”
“This list,” I say. “I made it. But… is there something else I was supposed to do with it? Because, I gotta be honest, writing out this whole list just made me feel like shit.”
“Ah,” he says. “Well, Fin, the next part, as I hinted at when we met in my office, is all about forgiving yourself. So I want you to take that list and sit with it in a quiet place. And, one at a time, I want you to focus on an item from the list, remind yourself of why you made the decision you made at the time, and then repeat the following words out loud.I am an imperfect person, but that doesn’t mean am incapable of growth. Who I am today is not who I will be tomorrow. I forgive myself, I love myself, and I’m ready to move forward.”
“That’s… quite the mouthful,” I say, and the doctor laughs.
“It is, absolutely. I’ll email it to you, if you’ll just give me your email.”
I rattle it off to him.
“Now remember, Fin. It’s okay if you don’t believe what you’re saying right off the bat. It takes time and painstaking efforts to work through our regrets and past pains. This is a first step, and it’s a big one. But I have every confidence that this will make a difference to you.”
I nod, though he doesn’t see me through the phone.
If I’m completely honest, it sounds like bullshit. A bunch of feel-good ridiculousness that won’t actually accomplish anything.
But I thank him anyway and get off the phone.
Then I set my notebook to the side.
Maybe I’ll think about that stuff tomorrow.
