Page 65 of The Keeper
“Why is it shocking to you that he would give up a job that is going to get in the way of you being together?”
I prop my leg up on the bench so it’s resting between us, turning to look straight at her.
“It’s not that it’sshocking. It’s that we are in completely different places if he is willing to leave his job when I don’t even really know how I feel. We still barely know each other. It’s been like, ten days since we met. Isn’t that really fast?”
“It is fast, but sometimes you meet someone and feel a connection immediately. And it’s okay to be in different places. That’s usually how relationships progress. One person feels ready to take a step forward, and they reach out their hand to the other person in the relationship. You only move forward as a couple if the other person takes the hand and steps forward too.”
“But I don’t want him to ruin his life for me.”
“But you’re assuming that himquitting his jobwould be ruining his life. What if, in his mind, not being withyouwould ruin his life? And the job is just a job?”
I shake my head. That’s not what’s happening. But before I can verbalize that to CC, she begins again, her words soft and loving.
“You have to get it out of your head that you’re worthless, RJ. You’reanythingbut, and it sounds like this guy knows that.”
I sit frozen with my mouth slightly open, unsure of how to respond. Worthless? It’s been a long time since I’ve used that word to describe myself, but is that what I’m subconsciously assuming now? That I’m worthless?
I can feel that single statement, that single word, weaving around me like ivy and suddenly I feel like I have to get out of here. I’m not talking about this.
I stand abruptly, startling CC as my clipboard and paperwork falls to the floor.
“I have to go. I forgot I have some stuff to do.”
I race to my bag that’s thrown on one of the shelves. I’m nanoseconds away from opening the door and getting out of this situation when CC’s hand closes over mine. I can’t help but look up at her face, even though I’m showing her the handful of tears that are pooling in my eyes.
Her eyes are warm, but tinged with just a small amount of concern.
“I’m sorry for pushing, but you need to know that you are loved, RJ. Not just a nice person people can get along with. Not just someone that might be lovableone day. But loved, right now, by many, many people. And it sounds like this young man can also see all of the wonderful things that make you, you. I would hate to see you push someone away because you don’t feel worthy. You arenotworthless, no matter what that shit of a father made you feel.”
I exhale quickly at her words, my shoulder dropping slightly as the beginning of an anxiety attack grips at my chest. It feels like all of the air has been compressed out of my lungs and a buzzing fills my ears.
I’ve never talked to CC about my dad. Ever. And yet, somehow, she’s gleaned from our interactions that my relationship with him is toxic. My mind is racing with a thousand thoughts, but only one crystalizes.
I can’t do this right now.
“I can’t do this right now,” I whisper.
She just nods and I turn the handle and walk out the door.
* * * * *
On Wednesday, I trudge through a rough morning conditioning, eat an early lunch with some teammates, and stare out the window through my entire Foundations of Learning and Teaching course.
By the time the afternoon scrimmage rolls around, I’ve decided I should just talk to Mack about what I overheard in his office. I’ve actively avoided thinking about CC’s parting words to me, but I do agree that communicating with Mack is the best way for us to figure things out.
If I don’t allow him to be a part of figuring out the solution to our problem, I’m eliminating his ability to be an active participant in the future of our relationship.
“Do you have time to chat after practice?” My voice is hushed as I stand next to Mack on the edge of the practice field. “It’s important.”
He’s silent for a beat too long and I glance over. His brows are furrowed.
“Sure. I’ll always make time for you, RJ.”
My smile is uneasy, but I nod and quickly turn to jog out to center field to begin the scrimmage.
I don’t like that my words put that expression on his face. He looked worried. I mean, I guess he has a reason to be worried. His job is potentially on the line, and the girl he’s apparently willing to risk it for is about to have a super deep conversation about why he shouldn’t do that. And why we should put our relationship on hold until I graduate in May. Seven months isn’t that long. Right?
Right.
