Page 96 of The Keeper
“Yeah, I’ll look it up and head out in a few.”
We hang up and I walk across the street to the park, finding shelter from the sun under a huge oak tree. Or maybe it’s maple. I can’t really tell the difference, but it is an absolutely massive tree. The roots are growing up out of the ground in thick ropes. The trunk is thick, the foliage full and green.
One of the things I love about living in Southern California is that it’s perpetually spring and summer, with tiny little hints of rain and cold. But the leaves always stay full and beautiful. Nothing ever dies.
Unless there’s a fire. But that’s a different thing, right?
About 15 minutes later, I see Mack round the corner and start towards my spot sitting on one of the tree roots. I rub my sweaty palms against my black running shorts as I repeat things over again in my head, reminding myself of what I want to say.
I know you said you’d wait and be patient. Can you do that for another six months? Because I am in love with you and will do anything not to lose you.
Short and sweet. Simple and straightforward.
Hopefully Mack thinks so too.
When he finally sits down next to me, I take a moment to breathe him in. That familiar warmth, that slight touch of sweat and soap. It elicits memories of joking around after a practice, of him kissing me against my front door, of his home the night he explained his past to me.
God, I’m so hopeful and so terrified at the same time.
“Hey,” he says, his tone slightly guarded, his eyes trained on whatever is in front of him, and not on me.
But my eyes are glued to him. To his jaw and his stubble and that slight curl at the nape of his neck where his hair grows unruly.
When I continue to stare and fail to respond, he finally turns to look me in the eyes.
“You wanted to talk?”
I clear my throat and give an embarrassed smile.
“Yeah… yes. Thanks for coming.”
I rub my hands on my shorts again.
Stupid nerves.
“I… I know you said you’d wait… and, be patient,” I start, my eyes fixed on my hands that grip just slightly to the hem of my shorts. “Can you do that for another six months?”
I chance a glance at him and see him staring at me with a slight frown, his eyebrows furrowed in the middle. Not exactly the response I was hoping for. But instead of letting the silence linger, my traitorous honest tongue takes over.
“Because I’m in love with you and I don’t want to lose you just because I’ve got all this bullshit going on in my head.”
I brace my elbows on my knees and drop my head in my hands.
“And I’m working on it. I promise. I’m meeting with my therapist again and she’s amazing and she helped me see in just a few sessions that I’m living my life braced for men to treat me like shit and for everything I’ve planned to fall apart. But I don’t want to live that way.”
I look over at him again, hoping he can see the plea in my eyes, and that the absolutely ridiculous stream-of-conscious thoughts tumbling out of my mouth are making sense.
“I want so much to be with you and explore whatever this is in real life, and not just in secret. To see if you really are the man I think you are. A kind, good man who makes me laugh and smile more than anyone. But I also want to make sure I’m staying focused on my future and a life I worked really hard for, a life I had to fight for. And if Regina can help me work through a handful of things in just a few weeks, imagine how much more normal and not broken I can be if we date after I graduate. The season’s almost over and I won’t be back next year and I’m not trying to go pro so I won’t be at spring trainings. So we could just, I don’t know, email and text and talk occasionally or something. Which I know might not be enough for you right now, and I’ll totally respect that if that’s the case, but I’d rather have you in my life in some way, even just in small doses, than not have you at all. Because in like, six weeks, you have become this life force that keeps the blood pumping in my veins and I can’t imagine what it would be like to not have you. I mean, not that Ihaveyou, have you. Like, I’m not your boss or girlfriend or anything, but you’re so important and I can’t imagine…”
And my words get cut off when Mack stands abruptly, walking away from me.
My heart plummets and my eyes prickle at the corners.
I knew I was rambling but I didn’t think that he would just get up and…
But then he turns around and looks at me, and whatever reaction my heart just had is now in reverse.
Because the look he is giving me…
