Page 93 of The Keeper
So if I was honest about it - really,reallyhonest - I knew how to answer Regina.
“No. He hasn’t done anything to make me think he doesn’t deserve it.”
“Good. And if, in the future, he breaks your trust, or he hurts you, what will you do?”
I laugh.
“I don’t know. I mean, it will depend on how he does it. Mack would never actually hurt me, like, physically. But if he broke my trust or hurt me emotionally, I guess… well we would need to talk about it before I made a decision about what to do.”
“Yes. And that’s a great answer, want to know why? Because it demonstrates that you value communication and working to solve problems.”
“But I haven’t been doing that. I’ve been jumping to conclusions and making assumptions. I’ve been hurtinghimwhen I was so worried about him hurtingme.”
“And that’s based on the fact you were worried about trusting his intentions. Now that you’ve realized you don’t necessarily have anything to worry about, might that change how you respond next time?”
I shrugged, feeling horrible. All this time, I was thinking he was the problem. But in reality it was me.
“I hope so. I want to be better for him. I mean, that’s why I’m here.”
Regina removed her glasses and sat forward, pinning me with a stare that was a cross between motherly concern and that look a teacher gives you when they think you can do better.
“Rachel, be careful with a statement like that. You’re placing too much value on youin relation to him. But the whole reason you’re here to begin with is because you struggle to place value in youjust on your own.”
“So you’re saying I have to be better for me. Regardless of how the relationship turns out.”
She nodded and gave me a sweet smile again.
“That’s right. Because if you learn to develop your sense of self-worth, but it’s entwined with his presence in your life, and things don’t work out, that value will disappear and you’ll be back at square one again.”
“Hope for the best, expect the worst.”
She shook her head.
“No. Not at all. Hope for the best,accept the rest. You can only control yourself and your actions and reactions. You can’t control someone else, and living a life braced for all worst-case-scenarios isn’t healthy either. That’s why I said earlier that it’s important to learn to adjust when things go off course from what you’ve hoped for. So, like I said, hope for the best, and accept the rest.”
God, she made so much sense. What I loved so much about Regina is that her conversations with me were just that - conversations. She didn’t just ask me how I was feeling and then ask for clarification. She didn’t make mmmhhhmmm noises like you see on movies. She gave me advice and suggestions on how to solve my problems.
She closed her notebook.
“Lets review quickly okay?”
I nodded and she held up one finger.
“First of all, it’s important that you remind yourself what your true motivations are for returning to therapy. It’snotabout Mack, even if that is what initially prompted the visit. It’s about focusing on finding value inyourself, and being able to trust those around you. Because if your value in yourself is strong, then the actions of those around you won’t have a life-altering impact on you if they let you down. And that’s because your intrinsic worth is not based in what others do that you can’t control. Right?”
I nodded again.
“Right. And if I create value in myself based on a relationship, I’ll have to start over again if the relationship fails.”
She touched her nose then pointed at me.
“Exactly.”
She held up a second finger.
“Second, you are feeling a little off-kilter with certain important areas of your life. Jeremy. Academics. Mack. But you yourself listed how you will approach each of these very important facets if things don’t go according to plan. This week I want you to spend time thinking about those, because forward thinking is really important when setting yourself up to be strong in the face of difficult situations. Begin preparationsnowso you aren’t blindsidedlater. For example, visiting your advisornowto discuss options for what will happen if you continue to struggle academically could help you feel more in control of what will happen next. But also remember, you want to bepreparedfor difficult situations, but not alwaysassumingthat something bad is going to happen.”
“Okay, and talking to Jeremy and Mack now can begin the process of repairing some of the issues.”
