Page 91 of The Keeper
About a week later I find myself jogging on the treadmill at the athletic center reflecting on my most recent meeting with Regina.
I’ve gone to twice-weekly therapy appointments since I talked to Jeremy about returning. It’s going really well, and I love that I get to meet with Regina again. She never holds anything back. In our third session, she was quick to point out that I wasn’t being entirely honest about my reasons for going back to counseling.
When I finally admitted that I had fallen for a guy and was struggling to figure things out, she gave me that slow nod therapists give you, internalizing the information, and then moved on to discuss Jeremy and my dad. But I knew it wouldn’t be that easy. We revisited the conversation about Mack in the fourth session, which was this morning.
“We’ve talked a lot about your relationship with your dad and brother over the past few sessions, but today I want to talk about you and this young man you’ve been seeing. Mack. You’ve said repeatedly that you don’t know how to make it work. What does that mean?” she asked me.
I knew I couldn’t tell her that he was my coach. I could be honest with her about everything except for that.
“Well… I guess I just keep waiting for him to do or say something that my dad would. And I know that’s not fair to him, but it’s how I’m wired. Jeremy’s the only man in my life that I trust implicitly. His motivations are clear. With Mack, I’m just not so sure.”
“What about his motivations is a concern to you?”
I had to pause at that and really thing before I gave her an example.
“He has a really good heart, and he’s so handsome and kind,” I started, thinking about how Mack had refocused his life and tried to do right by Cherise. “But he has a really… dark past. Drugs and sex and drinking to really unsafe levels… anything to numb himself from some of the stuff he went through.”
“I’m assuming you know this because he’s talked to you about it?”
I nodded.
“Yeah, he sat me down and basically shared his whole history. He hurt someone in a car accident and tried to drown his pain and guilt. He… he got help though.” I stammered the last part, unsure if I should share the part about Mack attempting to take his life. That seemed so personal, something I shouldn’t share without permission.
Regina made a soft humming noise and looked back at her notes, jotting something down.
“And how was his family through that period?”
I shrugged.
“I’m pretty sure they were supportive. His parents got him into rehab and back on his feet. When he moved to California he moved in with his sister and they seem to have a great relationship. He’s gotten a really good thing going in his life, now.”
“Does that bother you?”
I squinted my eyes in confusion.
“What? Why would that bother me?”
“Well, without going into too much detail about it, you basically told me Mack went through a very dark period in his life, but he came out the other side almost entirely unscathed, with the help and support from his family. He has a job, a steady future, good relationships. And you didn’t have any of that.”
My head jerked back in shock.
“Excuse me?”
“You also had a dark period, where things were so bad you tried to kill yourself. And when you came out the other side you were alone. Jeremy didn’t know, and your relationship with your father was a big part of the reason you made the choice you did. You didn’t have the same support system, and you went off to college and tried to be independent and do everything on your own. You’ve placed all your value in getting a degree and a job so you can have the freedom you believe will solve all of your problems.”
I blinked.
I blinked again.
“No that’s not… I’m not jealous of…”
But I couldn’t finish the sentence. My mind was too busy scrambling, trying to rebuild the carefully crafted world I had built in my head. Regina was silent as I sorted through the shattered pieces that lay littered on the ground.
“But I can’t actually believe that I don’t trust Mack because Iresenthim for having a caring family,” I finally said.
“I don’t think that’s what has happened, Rachel. I think it’s that for the first time, you are seeing a demonstrated example of how things could be if you’dhadsupport and care after your suicide attempt. And I think it highlights for you some of the insecurities and imbalances you feel based on current happenings in your life.”
When I didn’t have anything to add, Regina continued.
