Page 83 of The Keeper
“You’re just saying that because you’re scared of feeling something…”
“I know what I’m feeling Char,” I interrupt. “I’m sad, true. I’m crazy about him, yes. But I also know that he and I are a huge, huge mistake. We are too different, and we have too much against us. I could be kicked off the team and lose my scholarship and…”
“Would you cut the shit about the team and the scholarship!?”
My head jerks back at her sudden increase in volume, the exasperation evident on her face.
“You are one hundred percent using those as excuses, and it’s bullshit.”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me.” She takes a step towards me, her expression full of frustration. “You have this amazing guy who wants to be with yousobadly. Yes, you could lose your scholarship and get kicked off the team. But you don’t think that a man willing to risk his job for you would be willing to help you come up with a solution? Maybe he’d be willing to wait a few months? Have you even opened up the possibility of keeping your hands off each other until May? Didn’t you talk to him about what you said about not wanting to wait until you graduate and clarify that you didn’t actually mean it?”
I shake my head. “It’s not that simple.”
“Why? ”
“It just isn’t.”
“Why!?”
I continue to shake my head, hoping she’ll drop it. But she just stands there watching me, waiting for me to reveal something to her.
“You don’t know what it’s like,” I whisper. “I can’t go home if I fail. I can never go back there.”
“I know, sweetheart.” Her tone, so placating, sets me off.
“No you don’t!” I shout. “You have NO idea what I went through.”
“Well I would if you would ever tell me!” She looks at me across the kitchen, her arms folded. “I’ve known you for over three years. We arebestfriends. I have told you the most ridiculous, embarrassing and crazy things that have happened to me. I’ve told you all of the stupid shit I’ve done. But there is some big secret that you keep hidden away, some secret from your past that you don’t want anyone to know.”
“Why is it wrong to keep some secrets?” I ask.
“It isn’t wrong to keep things to yourself. But I feel like there’s something going on in your mind and heart that is unresolved, and talking about it can help. I watch you live every day without really living. You are friendly and at the same time you are so closed off with people. But I haveneverseen you glow like you did when you met Mack.”
I scoff.
“It’s true!” She shouts again. “Even after you found out he was your coach, it was like your soul was lighter. You were practically flitting around the apartment.”
“I don’t flit anywhere,” I respond.
She gives me a small smile, and I can feel the tension begin to dissolve.
“Oh, you flitted. All over this bitch, you were flitting and floating.”
I smile.
“You know I love you, right?” she asks. I nod once. “I would never, ever try to make you tell me about your past if you didn’t want to tell me. I get it. But have you ever talked to anyone? I mean, professionally?”
I nod again.
“I saw a therapist after…”
“Good. Do you feel like you should go back? Like, maybe there are still some things to work through?”
I sigh.
“Maybe. I just… I would have to talk to Jeremy about it, and ask for his help. I used up all of the free sessions Glendale provides to students, which is why I stopped going.”
