Page 77 of The Keeper
“I know my life was a mess at one point,” he whispers, “but the man Jeremy is painting me to be is a man who was so incredibly lost that he couldn’t even see the path at his feet, let alone a way out. I’m imperfect, and I’m a work-in-progress. But I’m not that lost guy anymore.”
We are silent for long seconds, just staring at each other. As cliche as it sounds, it really does feel like we are falling into each others’ eyes with how deeply we are wrapped into each other in this moment.
I lean forward and rest my head against his chest, my ear pressed against him so I can hear his steady heartbeat. His hands rest on my shoulder and twist into my hair, playing with the strands. I allow myself to stay like this and take just a moment to internalize what he has shared with me. And it’s in that exact moment that I realize I’ve started falling for him, despite my aggressive attempts not to.
I lean back and look into his eyes, just inches from mine.
“So, why are you sharing all of this with me?” I finally ask.
I know my words sound immature and ignorant of a bigger picture, but I don’t know how else to ask. I’m not sure what he wants from me. What outcome he sees on the other side of this mountain of a conversation.
“Cut right to the chase, don’t you?” he asks with a small smile, still clutching to my hand.
When I don’t respond and just continue to look at him, he finally speaks again.
“I guess I just wanted you to hear it all from my side. You can choose whatever you want, RJ. But I at least want you to make an informed decision based on facts if you’re going to walk away from whatever we have. I don’t want it based on Jeremy’s misinformation and bullshit.”
I just nod slightly. That makes sense. He’s managed to answer most of the questions I would have asked had I felt the courage to do so. But I still have this unsettled feeling in my belly, as if I have a belt wrapped around me that is supposed to fit when I’m standing, but is too tight when I sit.
“So, to sum up crudely and in complete dismissal of nuance: you partied too hard, were feeling regret, got in an accident, had trouble recouping, partied harder, and then hurt yourself and had to go to rehab to work through your problems. Since then you’ve cared for the family you impacted, kept yourself employed, even if you were unhappy, and were able to eventually find a job that you thought would be a good first step.”
“In the simplest terms, yes.”
“I know I’m going to regret this question but, where does Ronnie and the bar the other night fit into all of this?” I feel his hand tense in mine. “I mean, you said you are this different person, and I think a lot of what you’ve talked about shows that. But Mack, the guy I saw at Smoggy Tavern looked like the guy you were just describing. He was medicating with liquor and women. I know there are plenty of people who do that and I’m not judging that behavior solely on its own. But it’s something you’re trying to not do, right?”
Mack’s hand continues to hold mine, but his eyes are focused on the coffee table.
“I don’t want to be dismissive of what you’ve been through. At all,” I say quickly, interpreting his silence as shock at my reaction. “You lived on a roller coaster for several years and fought really hard to come back from that. I know… I know something about that. My life hasn’t been all roses either. But I told you earlier that my real concerns about there ever being an ‘us’ have nothing to do with your past. It’s all about who you are now, and who you want to be. And I just… I wonder whether who I am fits into the life you live now, even with how far you’ve come and how much you’ve grown as a person. I’ve had to fight tooth and nail for the life I’ve been able to scrape together for myself, and I’m not sure I am willing to throw in a plot twist.”
Mack’s eyes finally reattach to mine.
“A plot twist?”
I nod.
“You know, a character or event that changes everything. Sometimes it’s just safer maintaining the status quo until you feel more secure.”
Mack lights up just slightly at that statement.
“And I’m the plot twist that changes everything?”
A small smile escapes me.
“We need to work on your confidence, pretty boy.”
“They’re your words, not mine, RJ.” His eyes bore into mine. “If you’re even referring to me in those words in your mind, you have to realize that we have something here. Something special. And at the risk of sounding desperate, which is absolutely not my style, I am terrified you’re going to let my one step backwards get in the way of the possibility of us moving forward.”
I stand suddenly, feeling overwhelmed and unsure of what I want. His words remind me of CC’s theory about relationships. How one person is brave enough to move forward and then reaches back and tries to encourage the other to follow. I wonder what she would say about times when someone takes a step back.
But right now, I have this beautiful, smart, warm man in front of me practically begging me to throw all of my eggs into his basket. He’s wanting me to ignore what I saw last night with Ronnie, ignore the risks we face, and just run to him with open arms.
And I’m not sure I can do it
“Why are you running from this?”
I look over at Mack from where I stand at the window, feeling thrown off kilter by his statement.
“What do you mean?”
