Page 46 of The Keeper
Jeremy is so startled by my outburst that he actually takes a step back.
“Why is your life so different than mine? Or Mack’s? Why do you get to fuck all of my friends, and do whatever the hell you please, but I’m supposed to be a do-gooder, happy pants, innocent forever?”
Jeremy stays silent, so I continue, feeling the pent up anger begin to roll off of me in waves.
“You slept with and pissed off so many girls when I was in high school and college that I had a hard time making any friends. You would call me when you were wasted and needed a ride from whoever’s place you were at. So you want us to start throwing stones? How about this, Jer? Howdareyou fuck my best friend after Ispecificallyasked you to stay away from her!?” Jeremy’s eyes widen and his face blanches. “Yeah, I found out about that little gem the other day. Way to be such an upstanding guy.”
“Rachel, it isn’t what you think…”
“Cut the bullshit Jeremy. You don’t get to excuse your behavior while vilifying someone else. Mack is imperfect. But so am I. And so thefuckare you.”
Jeremy lets out a sigh and adjusts his weight from foot to foot, looking a bit sheepish. His hand goes up to his face and pinches the bridge of his nose.
“This isn’t the way I wanted this conversation to go. At all.”
“Yeah, well neither did I.” I step forward. “I’mthe one who had to deal with dad screaming out that I’m a worthless dyke in front of a crowd of people.I’mthe one who had to deal with the embarrassment of my coach and someone I care about seeing dad on the verge of smacking me around.I’mthe one who had to be carted home like a child. And then apparently, I’malsothe one who had to be scolded and reprimanded by her brother, who is without a doubt the biggest asshole on the planet.”
His mouth drops open just a bit in response to my continued outrage.
“Did you even think about what it would feel like to have you shout at me on the phone while I was still dealing with seeing dad? How about an ‘is everything okay, Rachel?’ or an ‘is there anything I can do, Rachel?’ No. Instead, I got a ‘shut up, I can’t deal with this, I’m coming to check up on you’. Well thanks, but no thanks. I don’t want your help. I don’t wantanythingfrom you right now. Except for you to leave me the hell alone.”
I’ve never, ever talked to my brother this way before. And his reaction is a reflection of that. He doesn’t say anything for a few minutes as I turn and begin rooting through the cabinets for a granola bar. When I finally turn around to look at him, his face has morphed into the perfection of contrition.
“I’m sorry you had to deal with dad today, Rachel. I can’t imagine how embarrassing it must have been to go through that.” His words are thoughtful, and more along the lines of what I was expecting from someone with a heart like his. “I’m glad you had Mack there to help you and bring you home… make sure you’re okay. I wish I could have been there to do that for you so you didn’t feel so alone in this.”
I nod.
“Thank you.”
“But I still think this thing with Mack is a mistake.”
I growl in frustration.
“God, Jeremy, why can’t you just…”
“I’m not trying to make you angry,” he says loudly enough to interrupt me, putting both hands up. “I’m not trying to get involved in your life in a way that makes you feel like a child. I just want to do right by you and make sure you’re really thinking things through. You could lose your scholarship and you wouldn’t be able to finish your degree. Mack could lose hisjob. These are not insignificant problems, Rachel. How are you going to continue your new, happy life without a job to take care of yourself if you can’t graduate?”
My nostrils flare and I cross my arms.
“I’ve already thought of these things. Which is why Mack and I aren’t pursuing a relationship.”
“Really? Could have fooled me. That scene outside sure looked like you’ve gotten pretty close.”
I re-cross my arms and continue to glare.
“We are. Or, we did get close, I guess. But we’re not doing anything about it. He already knows I can’t risk anything.”
“Good. I’m glad he knows that. And that you do too. But knowing you shouldn’t do anything, and actually having the fortitude to keep yourself from acting on how you feel are two very different things. I should know. That’s what happened between me and Charlie.”
He pauses and steps forward, taking a sip of my half empty glass of orange juice.
“I just want to make sure you’re making choices that are right for you, and not letting yourself get swayed or pulled in a direction that can screw up your life. Especially not for a guy like Mack.”
Chapter Eight
The awesome thing about the day after a game is that we don’t have conditioning in the morning, so I’m able to sleep in until my 10am class on Thursday. The shitty thing about this particular Thursday is that I get my psychology test back, and I’m almost entirely sure I bombed it. Even though I put a lot of time and energy into studying for this particular exam, I wasn’t at my best on Tuesday after the exhaustion of the most manic Monday I’d ever experienced, and I’m certain my grade will reflect my emotional state.
As I cross the quad from the parking lot and make my way towards the lecture hall, my phone beeps with a text. Part of me wants to ignore it, knowing that I’m not in the right mood to talk to anyone in my life right now, but curiosity gets the better of me and I pull it out of my bag. My stomach churns when I see the sender.
