Page 44 of The Keeper
Mack shrugs.
“I don’t know. But whether you deserve to feel ashamed or not, it’s important to talk about it. Otherwise, that shame becomes your whole world.”
I stare silently at him. Yes, we are absolutely talking about me. But we are also talking about him. Him and his past and the accident and the fallout. The paralysis of the woman driving the other car. The crash and burn, both literally and figuratively, of his career and the future he had likely envisioned for himself.
“Like it becameyourwhole world?”
My question is soft, but I know he hears it. His eyes are sad as he slowly picks through whatever he has of those memories, shifting and sorting, trying to determine what to share and what to keep to himself.
“I ruined several lives because of a foolish mistake. And I held it in and didn’t talk about it for years, until the weight of my shame became like a vice gripping me so tightly I was afraid my chest would be crushed.”
“But it wasn’t your fault.”
He exhales and crosses his arms over his chest.
“Look, RJ. I was drunk, and so was my friend. Yes, he crashed the car. Yes, there was ice on the road. No, we weren’t the only people going too fast, which is one of the factors in the pile-up. But ultimately, we both played a part in what happened to Cherise.” He swallows hard, appearing to choke on his words before forcing himself to continue. “She willneverwalk again. She will live in a chair for the rest of her life. If I hadn’t made a few poor choices that led to me and Darren getting in that car, she would get to do those things.”
The silence between us is heavy as he leans sideways against my door, playing with the black band on his right wrist. But before I can step in and say anything, he continues.
“I let my shame consume me until there was hardly any ‘me’ left. When my sister finally talked me into seeing someone, it was like tearing my insides out. Because if a bone heals incorrectly, you have to re-break it to set it right. And talking about what happened was almost more painful than experiencing it.”
He pauses and runs his hands across his face.
“But I was finally able to sort myself out, forgive myself and make amends for what I did. Everyone talks about ‘moving on’ from things, as if you can forget and start over. I don’t believe that anymore. Now, I focus on moving forward, accepting the choices I’ve made and the consequences that came from them, and doing my best to live the kind of life I’m proud of.”
I stare at him, overwhelmed with emotion and understanding about his past. But I’m not sure what his story has to do with me.
“I know you’re probably wondering what this has to do with you,” he says, voicing my unspoken question. “RJ, whether or not you are to blame for whatever you’ve been through… and let me be clear that I am entirely certain you are not, not,notat fault… that doesn’t mean you aren’t experiencing your own form of shame. Wondering what other people will think of you if they know your secrets. Unsure about diving back into the source of that brick wall you’re carrying. Talking about it, and I’m not saying you have to talk to me, but talking about it can help you move forward and not stay rooted in the past.”
One tear slips from my eye, and before I can move, Mack has stepped forward and wiped it away with his thumb. His hand rests softly on my cheek, and I give into the urge and close my eyes, leaning into his touch. He steps forward and places his other hand on my face, bringing our foreheads together, and for a moment, everything is forgotten.
He moves slightly, bringing his mouth close to my ear. “You’re precious, and special, and you don’t deserve to walk through your life carrying this burden,” he whispers, lightly kissing my temple.
I take a deep breath, inhaling his scent. Our eyes are closed, but I feel like we are really seeing each other, broken bits and all, for the first time.
“Rach?” I hear from my right, and I quickly step back and turn my head, seeing Jeremy standing at the curb. His eyes flick back and forth between me and Mack. “Everything okay?”
I clear my throat and clutch my keys more firmly in my hand. Nodding, I finally get out a terse, ‘yup’ before I turn and unlock the door to my apartment.
Before I walk through the door, I look back at Mack. His eyes are glued to me and I find myself wanting to get lost in his eyes. Those warm, brown depths that make me feel safe.
“Thank you, Mack,” I whisper. “For everything.”
And then I walk through my door and close it behind me.
* * * * *
Jeremy is still not in my apartment when I come downstairs fifteen minutes later, post-shower. Even though I showered at USD, I felt like I needed another rinse to wash away the shitty afternoon.
I might have also wanted to sit on the floor of the shower, because that’s pretty much the best place to sit and think when you’re upset.
When I step towards the door, I can hear the murmur of their voices outside. Jeremy sounds angry. Mack sounds apologetic.
Both of them make me want to roll my eyes.
The ‘emotional depths’ I was feeling after my conversation with Mack have passed, likely dripping down the drain with my body wash.
Thankfully.
