Page 27 of The Keeper
Mack just smiles. “I’ve been listening to him rave about you playing soccer since you were just starting to play in high school. He said you had the natural ability where he always had to work hard at it.”
“He has that backwards,” I say, shaking my head and looking down at the ground as I roll a small rock around with my shoe. “Jeremy’s the star. He’s good at everything. He’s confident, smart, attractive, popular, anamazingathlete. He’s the golden child.”And evenhecouldn’t satisfy my dad. What chance did I ever have?The thought is fleeting, but it immediately settles over me like a dark cloud.
“To hear it from your perspective, it sounds like you think you aren’t any of those things. And I can tell you that from my point of view, that is the farthest thing from the truth.”
“Thanks.” My response is quick, my brief smile disingenuous. I don’t react well to compliments as they typically make me feel more inferior rather than lift me up. I was barely okay with Mack’s tendency to lean towards me and say something about my eyes or my smile.
Damn, that man can lean.
“Anyway, he’s always had wonderful things to say about you. I’ve been hearing about the infamous ‘Rachel Jameson’ for years. I’m excited to see what you can do on the field.”
I plaster on a fake smile. “Well, you’ll get to see me in action this afternoon.”
“Don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Don’t force a fake smile.” My face immediately drops as he closes the distance between us. He isn’t inappropriately close by any means, but I can feel the tension radiating between us. “That’s two times in just as many minutes that you’ve done it. Your real smile is too amazing for anyone to believe you when you aren’t being completely sincere.”
I feel confused and I’m sure it’s probably reflected on my face. He’s complimenting me. Again. I feel confused because maybe Idowant him to say these things. But I know he shouldn’t, and ultimately that is the feeling that takes control.
“Yeah, well, sometimes you just have to smile, even when you don’t want to. Even if life deals you a shitty hand. You grin and bear it.”
Mack just looks at me. “So, earlier, in my office,” he starts, but I quickly cut him off.
“Did you seriously leave to chase after me as soon as I left?”
He’s silent for a moment, looking out to his right with a hint of a smirk. “Yeah, that might not have been the brightest thing for me to do on my first day. I’ll need to reschedule meetings with all the girls I didn’t meet with.”
I shake my head slightly. “Meh, they won’t care. Just let that one go.” I pause, wondering how to broach the conversation from earlier. “I wasn’t making a slight at you or your past. Earlier, I mean.”
His head bobs in a short nod. “I know. It was a knee-jerk reaction.”
“Well if your knee-jerk reaction is to assume that I would make an off-handed comment at your expense, you obviously don’t think very highly of me based on our previous interactions.” He frowns, but doesn’t say anything. I let out a sigh and look back at the rock I’m still playing with on the ground. “Mack, you don’t need to do this. You don’t need to come here and try to fix things or make us ‘okay.’ If you’re worried I won’t play, you don’t have to worry.” I look up at him and try to give an unaffected shrug. “I’ll be totally fine. No big deal.”
His frown slowly morphs into a scowl. “You’ll be totally fine.” He says it like a statement, not a question.
I give him another shrug and just stare at him blankly, willing him to leave so I can go lay down on my bed and pretend the past few days never happened. And as I stare at him, I can feel the shutters begin to close in my body. My need to explain myself, my desire to ensure that he and I are ‘okay’, my wish that we could navigate whatever this is in light of our new relationship as coach and athlete… they’re beginning to fade to the periphery. I don’t want to have these feelings, and shutting them out is easier than dealing with them.
It’s always easier.
It’s how I deal with attention from men when I don’t want it.
Apathy.
It speaks volumes more than dislike or snappy responses or frustration or any other emotion. Keeping my face unaffected and neutral, as if I couldn’t care less. Because apathy demonstrates a complete lack of care, as if the person doesn’t even mark a blip on the radar.
But I also know apathy is destructive. And Mack’s facial expression is a clear demonstration that my apathy is impacting him.
But when he doesn’t say anything else, I take his silence as an invitation to end the conversation, maintaining my calm demeanor. “I’ll see you at practice this afternoon, Coach McIntosh.”
His scowl deepens and he flexes his fists at his sides, then spins abruptly and stalks down the path to his truck. He doesn’t look back, and I’m thankful. Maybe if I pretend I’m fine for long enough, I actually will be.
I just wish I could get my heart to agree.
* * * * *
Piper and Ruth-Ann are running alongside me when I hear the whistle blow, indicating that practice is about to begin. I jog quickly over to the bench and pull out my water bottle, splashing a quick swig into my mouth before turning and focusing on Mack and Coach Johnson.
